The Steps Beyond
by Sardixiis
Summary: Sequel to Nightmare Man. Rescue is only the first step in recovering from an ordeal like they'd experienced. The wounds don't simply disappear; they leave scars that may never completely heal. The question is whether or not they can be overcome. If they can, it's certainly not going to be easy. After all, healing is never without pain.
1. The End Is Just Another Beginning

**The Steps Beyond**

Author's Note: Considering this is a sequel to Nightmare Man, I highly suggest you read that one first or you're going to be incredibly confused. In case you can't find it, it's listed as "M" because of a later chapter. Part of this story will be written in journal entries. These entries will not be "written" by the characters on the same day that the storyline is taking place. They may not even be directly related to the storyline in that chapter, but they do provide more information about what they're going through and allow for some smaller events to be known. You'll likely be getting one chapter every other day since I'm still proofreading and this one doesn't have as many chapters.

* * *

Chapter One – The End is Just Another Beginning

Olivia's Journal: Entry One

_I don't remember much of what happened after we were found. After our chains were broken and we were all escorted out by the FBI. At least I think we were. Much of the time right after was a haze. I know I heard an ambulance and was brought to a hospital, but even my time there is empty. Voices seemed to drift right through me without bringing any comprehension. Cap and Huang showed up and tried to talk to me. I can't even say if I responded or not. For me it was all numb. Numb except for the pain. I wish, even now, that the pain had been physical. It heals so much faster. But it wasn't, and it isn't. _

Hotch's Journal: Entry One

_A few days ago Neil Harlan, also known as Bill, also known as the BAU's captor, was arrested. The team was medically cleared at the hospital, the only physical injuries being swelling and abrasions to the wrists and ankles. We were released to begin the longer and more difficult part of healing. That is the only reason why this is being put on paper. We were asked to journal to assist our recovery with the clear warning that we would not be cleared for the field without it. Some of my agents need the time that we are being forced to take. One week, preferably two. At least. I don't need that. I returned to the BAU a few days after her death, and I can do so again. My people need to know that recovery is possible. I cannot provide them with that proof if I am forced into extended medical leave. I'm fine._

0~0~0~0

Five hours. They'd been free five hours, yet it felt like they were still prisoners. In a way, they were. None of them would truly be free until they could face and beat down the memories. For now, Hotch would hold his team together as best as he could.

"Guys!"

The familiar voice drew everyone's attention. It was a voice they'd been dying to hear for a long time, pretty much ever since they'd realized they'd been kidnapped. The owner being the person they'd been counting on to save them. Reid.

"Reid," Hotch answered with a nod.

The young agent was beyond thankful to hear the usual strength and solidity in his boss' voice. It gave him hope that the rest of the team would be okay too. When he started speaking it was in a rushed ramble complete with flailing hand motions to punctuate his words.

"Thank goodness you're alright! You'd all just disappeared and none of the statistics seemed positive. They only decreased inversely with time, and I wasn't certain I would find any of you still alive. But you all…"

He was cut off when JJ wrapped her arms around his neck and held tight. She rested her head on his shoulder for a moment, and Reid could feel her trembling gently.

"Thank you, Reid."

"I… um. It wasn't a big deal, JJ. I had to find all of you."

"Good thing you did, kid. We owe you one," Morgan responded.

JJ squeezed Reid's arm and stepped away though there was a noticeable hesitation as she did. She wrapped her arms around herself even though she knew in the back of her mind it said a lot to the others if they were paying attention, which she doubted. Everyone was so caught up in what they'd suffered that there wasn't much room for analyzing others.

"Forgive me for interrupting."

In their heightened states, the sudden new voice caught the entire team's attention, and they all turned their heads toward the speaker. None of them recognized the short Asian man, but they could tell from his suit that he wasn't a doctor. Reid filled them in, apparently knowing the new arrival.

"Guys, this is Dr. George Huang. He's with the FBI branch here."

"I'm looking for Detective Benson," Huang explained.

"You know Olivia?" Morgan asked, curious as to why this man wanted to talk to her.

"Yes. I work with Manhattan's SVU profiling rapists and at times counseling the detectives."

Rossi leaned in close to Hotch and whispered a quick question.

"We really want to sic a shrink on Benson?"

Hotch didn't react to the question, but he was feeling the same way. Eventually the shrinking would come, but they all needed time to process first. For now he could buy Olivia a little bit of time, except Morgan was already on it, though he was being hardly diplomatic about it.

"Back off, man. Leave her alone for a while."

Huang picked up on the reasoning behind Morgan's refusal and held up his hands to ward the other agent off. He wasn't here to make things more difficult for Olivia, and he didn't want to end up in a fight with the agents who had been kidnapped either.

"I'm just here as a friend, not a psychiatrist."

After what had happened Morgan's patience was frayed and he was on edge. Huang's argument only pissed him off and he took a warning step forward. He didn't even realize he'd growled as he did.

"Morgan," Emily called out.

Rossi wasn't going to be quite as gentle as Emily. He simply stepped forward and grabbed Morgan's shoulder.

"Stop."

Morgan's eyes snapped to Rossi's in fury. He had every desire to argue when Hotch made it a moot point.

"She's down the hall. I believe her captain is with her."

Huang nodded his thanks and headed down the hall to check on her. Once he was gone Rossi released Morgan whose simmering rage exploded.

"What the hell, Hotch? You're just throwing her to the dogs? Come on! She may not be one of us but after what we went through –"

"Morgan."

Morgan fell silent but his eyes were still burning. Hotch hadn't been next to her. He hadn't seen how broken she'd been after. Morgan wanted to do everything he could to protect her from more pain, and he thought Hotch would have understood that.

"He's here as a friend, Morgan. She needs someone she knows by her side."

Hotch did understand and wanted the same thing for Olivia. Hopefully Morgan would see that.

"So you pick a shrink, Hotch? If her captain's with her then she's already got someone."

"Morgan, I understand this wasn't the ideal option, but she needs some support."

Morgan was about to snap back a response when Emily cut in to prevent the argument.

"It's already done. You can't change things now."

"Emily's right," Reid agreed. "Plus, as much as you don't want to, it's better to get help right away."

He looked down, a little bit embarrassed. The truth was that Reid knew what it was like to try to put up a front for those you care about when you're hurting so they didn't worry. More, even, than Emily. Even if she'd wanted help, she wouldn't have been able to reach out for it, not that Reid really thought she would have. She hadn't needed to try to hide what she was going through because the team hadn't been there trying to push their way in. They had been there to witness all of Reid's struggles and failures. He hadn't wanted their help, and for the most part they hadn't pushed too hard. Now that he'd moved past that time, Reid almost wished they had pushed harder. It would have helped even if he didn't want it at the time.

Morgan closed his eyes and took a few slow breaths. Both Prentiss and Reid were right, but that didn't mean he had to like it. To him it still felt like they'd hurt Olivia by sending Huang to her more than they'd helped her.

"Are we ready to get out of here?" JJ asked softly. "I really need to call Henry."

To those that didn't know JJ, she would have appeared completely in control. The team knew better though. JJ was rarely that soft spoken. She was on the edge of completely falling apart and was desperately trying to hold it together.

"We'll need to find somewhere else to stay, at least for tonight," Rossi responded. "I'm not going back to that hotel."

The others nodded agreement. Considering it was New York, they wouldn't have trouble finding another option.

"We need to pick up something to eat as well. I don't think anyone could enjoy hospital food," Hotch added. He seriously doubted any of them were in the mood to dine in anywhere either, or eat, but he'd push if he needed to.

"Let's go then," Rossi told them as he headed for the entrance.

"What about Olivia?" Morgan asked. "We have no way to check in on her."

"Don't worry," Reid assured. "I have the numbers to her other teammates."

Morgan seemed to relax a little once he'd heard that. The tension in his shoulders faded some, and he nodded.

"Oh, Morgan. I let Garcia know we'd found you, but she wants you to call her first thing. She was very adamant about it."

"Sounds like Garcia," he answered with a slight smile.

"Let's go," Hotch directed. "We have a lot of phone calls to make."

0~0~0~0

Just as Huang was heading into Olivia's room, Cragen was coming out. Huang pulled the captain aside so they could confer for a moment.

"How is she?"

Cragen rubbed the back of his head uneasily. He really didn't have a very good answer to that question. At times Olivia had seemed like herself, though perhaps a little more detached and professional than she needed to be. Other moments Cragen had wondered where she was since she definitely wasn't in the room with him.

"Quiet," he answered.

"Have you gotten anything out of her?"

"Bits and pieces. Nothing descriptive or personal."

"So we don't have a clear idea of what happened there," Huang surmised.

"Other than the fact that she wasn't harmed physically, no."

Huang nodded. Whatever had happened would have left emotional and psychological scars then. Considering Olivia was a locked safe when it came to talking about her feelings, Huang knew he was in for a real challenge. Even just getting her to share what had happened would be difficult. It was best to get started, though at least for now he wouldn't push too hard.

Huang took a step toward the room before pausing to say one last thing to Cragen.

"If you can figure out what happened to them, do it. We need to know."

Cragen nodded. Like Huang, he knew Olivia would reveal very little if she shared anything at all. Even years later he didn't have much of an idea of what had happened at Sealview. Olivia had locked those details away long ago and wouldn't let anything slip about her time in the prison. Cragen figured she would try to do the exact same thing now.

Huang slipped into the room and watched Olivia for a moment. She hadn't even noticed he'd come in. The look in Olivia's eyes said it all. They were empty, staring off at something that wasn't there. Her arms were crossed against her chest, though he was pleased to see she hadn't tucked her legs up as well.

"Olivia?"

At first she ignored him, and he had to try again. He took a step forward as he said her name a little louder. This time she reacted. Olivia took an almost strangled sounding breath and pulled herself out of her nightmares. She looked at Huang, but it was expressionless, almost like she was looking through him. A sinking feeling washed through Huang.

"Olivia, do you know where you are?"

"The hospital," she answered with a roll of her eyes.

For once, Huang was grateful for the gesture. It meant the real Olivia was still in there. He allowed a small smile to drift across his face.

"Just making sure. I know you've been through a lot." He paused before asking his next question. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Olivia looked at him incredulously.

"Really, George? I was held captive by a guy who fancied himself as a scientist. Of course I don't want to talk about it."

It has sucked, but she had no intention of sharing. She'd be fine on her own. She could handle it.

Huang nodded. He'd expected as much.

"Alright, but we'll still need to talk later. For now though, let's get you home."

Olivia shuddered slightly at the thought of home. Her apartment didn't feel quite as safe anymore, yet she wanted to be there. It was something familiar, and she needed that right now. Olivia pushed herself off the table and stood before heading to the door. Huang questioned what he was about to do, but he needed to know how scarred Olivia was, and she certainly wasn't going to tell him. As she walked toward the door he reached out for her arm to gently guide her. Olivia jerked away with a startled gasp and stared at Huang with wide eyes.

"Olivia…"

"I-I'm okay. I'm fine."

But she didn't look or sound fine. Her eyes were white rimmed and her nostrils flared still. With her stuttering words and tightly crossed arms Huang could tell she was suffering. He held up his hands to ease her worries and keep them securely in her sight.

"Just breathe, Olivia. Try to relax and breathe."

Olivia nodded but she wasn't doing a very good job of following his directions. Her breathing was still coming quick and shallow.

"You're alright, Olivia. Just focus on breathing. Nice and slow," Huang instructed in a soft and steady voice meant to soothe her.

Slowly Olivia came down from her panicked state and was able to really convince Huang that she was alright. She was determined to get home and be by herself. The thought of being in the presence of anyone else was almost painful, and there was only so long she would be able to hold herself together. She couldn't fall apart in front of them.


	2. Choices Made

Chapter Two – Choices Made

JJ's Journal: Entry One

_The day we were rescued was the longest conversation I've ever had with Henry over the phone. There had been other days, other cases, where I'd needed to call him and talk to him too. Those times were so much shorter though. This time I was so desperate to hear his voice and know for sure that he was okay that we talked for at least an hour. He read me a story. I told him one off the top of my head. We even played hangman once or twice. I needed it. Hearing his voice held the terror at bay for at least a little while. I called all the time until I was home with him. Sometimes I would be okay for a short time after hanging up. Other times the instant I did I could feel my chest tighten and I would be back to fighting not to panic. Henry didn't understand, and I don't really think Will did either, but they put up with the constant calls. I don't even want to think about what would have happened if they hadn't. _

0~0~0~0

Nobody besides Reid had slept that night, though none had really figured that they would. The team had met the next morning looking worse than they had when they'd separated despite the fact that they were showered and in clean clothes. When the entire team was gathered, Hotch addressed them.

"Strauss called last night. She wants us all back today for debriefing."

Rossi winced. Of course Erin would call Hotch only hours after their rescue and demand things from him. Hotch didn't need that, and Rossi doubted the others had missed the unspoken words either. They weren't just returning to be debriefed; they were returning for evaluations and interrogations. In Strauss' mind, someone would need to be blamed for their kidnapping. For her, that came before their mental recovery.

"Not wasting any time is she?" Emily asked with a sigh.

She knew Strauss wasn't exactly one for compassion, but the section chief had been getting better. It had been at least somewhat reasonable to hope they wouldn't be rushed into evals right away. Apparently they weren't going to get that lucky.

"There's no point arguing," Hotch confirmed. "We'll head home and go from there. If you need time I'd suggest you take it immediately. If you decide that is the path you want to take, I can petition to postpone your evaluation until you are ready to return to work."

At least that way they could escape a bad report in their permanent files.

"I might take a few days, Hotch," JJ told him. "I need some time with Henry before I start jumping through hoops."

Hotch nodded, approving of JJ's choice. Of all of them, she seemed the most withdrawn. He didn't like her coloring either. A few days would definitely do her good.

"I can't promise Strauss won't request that you come in to be evaluated even if you are taking time," he warned.

"I know, Hotch. Either way I need some time at home."

Emily reached out to brush her fingers along JJ's arm for a second in reassurance. At first JJ flinched but then she turned to give Emily a small smile. Neither of them had wanted to be alone last night, so they'd stayed together. Unable to sleep, Emily and JJ had spent a good portion of the night talking. During that time Emily had needed to repeatedly remind JJ that Henry was alright.

"Prentiss?" Hotch asked, wanting to know if she intended to take time off.

Emily tipped her head from side to side, considering for a moment. Finally she answered.

"We'll see how it goes. Even if I don't take time off I'll probably be expected to go back to my shrink."

Accepting that, Hotch turned to Morgan for an answer. Morgan's head was bowed and he didn't seem to realize Hotch was watching him. Right before Hotch was going to speak up, Morgan met his eyes. Whatever decision he'd been so lost in thought over had been made.

"I think I'm going to stick around here for a little while, Hotch."

Hotch remained impassive to the decision though Reid and the girls looked rather surprised.

"You want to stay here?" JJ asked incredulously. "Why?"

The last thing JJ wanted to do was stay in New York. For her, the sooner they were in the air the better. She needed some distance from this place. Morgan looked a little uneasy at the question and rubbed the back of his neck. He wasn't sure what the others would think of his reason, but in the end it didn't really matter. There was no way he could leave yet.

"I want to make sure she's okay."

Understanding sparked in Emily's eyes. Of course Morgan would want to stay so he could keep an eye on Olivia. She'd seen that protective side of him after her return to the BAU and during the Doyle case. It wouldn't be different with Olivia just because she wasn't a part of their team.

"She?" Reid asked, his eyes and head darting between his teammates in confusion. "You mean Detective Benson?"

Obviously he was missing something big here, and he continued to look around in hopes of someone filling him in. JJ saw his confusion and took pity on him.

"Morgan and Olivia helped each other out a lot during all of this."

She'd kept it vague, not really wanting to share the specifics of the ordeal with Reid. Not yet at least. Eventually she would since he was just as linked to Tobias as she was, if not more.

"Oh."

"You could invite her to Quantico for a break, Morgan," Rossi suggested.

"I could try, but she seemed pretty stubborn. I'm not sure she'd want to. For now I think one of us should stay with her, at least for a little while."

"It's your decision to make, Morgan. Just know you'll be finding your own way back," Hotch told him.

Morgan nodded. He'd figured as much, and it didn't bother him. Getting a flight back to Quantico should be easy enough, and even if it wasn't, he would still stick around.

"Wheels up at one. That should give everyone enough time," Hotch announced.

There were nods all around and the group split up, some heading for a quick continental breakfast or cup of coffee, others returing to their rooms to start packing. Rossi caught up with Hotch on the way to get coffee.

"So I don't even rate asking if I want time off, huh?"

He kept a straight face and even tone regardless of the fact that he was more teasing than serious. Hotch simply glanced at Rossi with an upraised eyebrow. He too remained serious when he answered.

"_Do_ you need time off, Dave?"

"I think I'll manage."

The faintest trace of a smile crossed Hotch's face.

"I thought as much."

"Erin might have a different opinion of course."

Hotch's smile twitched just a little bit bigger.

"You've never let that stop you before," he pointed out to Rossi.

"Stop me, no. It simply provides me with a bit more challenge in my life."

0~0~0~0

"Spence!" JJ called out as she hurried down the fourth floor hall after Reid.

"Oh, hey, JJ. Something wrong?"

JJ slowed when she reached him and managed a small smile, though it was nowhere near her usual sunniness for him.

"Can we talk for a minute?"

"Absolutely. You don't even need to ask."

It felt really good to know JJ wanted to talk to him about what had happened. He was rarely the one anybody leaned on. Typically he did the leaning, or at least he was the one the team worried about even though they had no reason to. If there was so way he could help them now, he would do it without question.

"I don't want to bring up bad memories for you, Reid. Are you sure you're okay with this?"

"If it'll help you deal with what happened, I will deal with any nightmares or challenges our discussion might cause."

Reid seemed so sure of himself, yet still JJ hesitated. She'd seen how hard he'd fought to get off of Dilaudid. Sharing with him and therefore bringing up Hankel could break his control. JJ didn't want that. It wouldn't be worth it in the end.

"JJ?" Reid asked when she'd remained quiet for a while.

"Never mind. It's fine."

The hesitation in her voice was obvious, and Reid refused to let it go. She'd originally thought that he could help her. If she was having second thoughts now Reid would understand, but he still wanted to try. She was worth it.

"Talk to me, JJ. Please?"

It was the please that got her. Reid was almost begging her to talk to him. Like if she didn't it was because he wasn't good enough to listen. JJ hesitated for a moment longer before sighing.

"Okay."

Reid beamed at her and started toward his room. They'd have privacy to talk there.

0~0~0~0

Morgan had just gotten a few things organized in his room for a longer stay when his phone rang. A quick glance at the caller ID brought a smile to his face.

"Hey, Baby Girl."

_"Say it again you incredible man. I've been in withdrawal."_

"I'll say it as many times as you want, sweet cheeks."

_"Just hearing your voice stills my pounding heart."_

"Oh yeah? Usually it's the other way around."

_"Very true, but this time it reminds me that you're okay and coming home."_

Morgan winced. He knew Garcia wouldn't be happy about his choice to stay in New York for a little while longer, and he hadn't prepared a good way to tell her. Of course there probably wasn't any good way to tell her. He knew full well that one of Garcia's biggest fears was that she'd send the team away on a case and they would never return. It had almost happened this time, and because of that she desperately needed to see them all. Even so, Morgan had to stay.

"Look, Garcia. When something bad happens you want to stay with someone who knows what you're going through, right?"

Immediately Garcia became suspicious. Why was Morgan asking something like that all of a sudden.

_"Derek, what are you talking about? You darn well better just spit it out or your phone is never going to stop ringing, and if you turn it off I'll just call the others until they get sick of it and force you to answer!"_

With a sigh, Morgan braced himself for the onslaught he knew was coming.

"I'm staying here for a little while, Garcia."

There was silence on the other end of the line. Morgan quickly filled it in, hoping he could rationalize the situation before Garcia started planning how to drag him home and tie him down so he couldn't escape.

"I know you want me back, Baby Girl, but I can't walk away yet. There's someone here I'm really worried about."

_"Who?"_

"Her name is Olivia Benson. She's a detective."

Morgan could hear typing in the background and knew Garcia was pulling up everything she could about Detective Benson in a short period of time. She may not like digging into people's pasts who weren't victims or possible perps, but this was different. This involved him. He let her look and waited until Olivia passed the inspection and Garcia started up the conversation again. When she finally did, it was with resignation.

_"Okay. Fine. You stay and make sure she's alright, but not for too long because I need to know that you're alright. I need to see you, not just hear your voice. Until I can you better be planning to check in with me a lot or I'm going to track you down and drag you home, Supervisory Special Agent Derek Morgan."_

"Yes ma'am. Your wish is my command."

_"Darn tootin'."_

That brought a smile to Morgan's face. They seemed to be good again despite his choice to stay, so Morgan decided to ask a favor. Having the information would simply make the next few days a lot easier, though he would try not to use what he was asking for if he could help it.

"I need a favor, Garcia. Can you tell me how to get to the 16th precinct and get me Benson's phone number?"

_"Sure thing sugar, though I guarantee you she's not going to be pleased that you somehow got it. Phone numbers are a sacred thing among women. You don't just hand them out to anyone."_

"I know. That's why I'm not going to use it unless I really need to."

_"Right. Here you go then."_ Garcia rattled off two numbers which Morgan quickly jotted down.

0~0~0~0

Even though it was after ten, Olivia didn't want to get up. In fact, most of her had no intention of getting up for a long time. She just wanted to stay curled up in bed and not move. What that meant wasn't unknown to her. She'd seen it in many of her victims. In fact, she'd experienced it herself a few months after Sealview. Now the feeling of heaviness and disinterest had returned, and Olivia really didn't want to deal with it. Unfortunately she wasn't going to have much choice in the matter. Cragen and Huang were already checking in on her, which meant the others would know soon. Olivia didn't want their pity, and she didn't want them treating her any different than they were before. With that in mind, she pulled herself out of bed and went to get ready.

The trip into work frayed Olivia's nerves. Even though she'd been extra careful and had kept her defenses firmly in place, she'd been far more skittish than usual. At this rate she might not be able to convince the others she was fine. As she walked into the squad room she pulled together all the strength and self-control she had to build up the walls around her. Olivia strode into the room with her head held high. She would not allow what had happened to take her pride.

Amaro spotted Olivia first and looked at her in surprise. None of them had been expecting her to come in that day, and by ten they'd all assumed she was actually taking time off. They'd apparently been wrong.

"Liv. What are you doing here?"

Olivia didn't even bother looking at Amaro as she answered the question. Instead she just made her way toward her desk.

"I work here, Nick."

Her tone didn't discourage Amaro from continuing to press her despite its obvious crispness. He moved toward her and reached out to touch her arm in a soothing gesture. It was a good thing Olivia had seen it coming though because if she hadn't her semblance of normalcy would have been broken in an instant. Instead, Olivia was able to intercept the touch and slap Amaro's hand away. She glared at her partner, allowing her intense disapproval to seep through.

"Don't you dare try to treat me like we do the victims, Nick. I can handle this just fine. I am handling it. Am I clear?"

Amaro was a little taken aback by Olivia's vehemence on the matter. He'd faced her cold shoulder and snappish judgments early in their partnership as she was getting over her old partner, but this was different. Her current warning tone had only been directed at perps before, not at him. He didn't like it, and he could understand why it made their suspects squirm. Olivia wasn't screwing around.

"Okay, Olivia. I know you can."

Olivia nodded, seeming at least slightly appeased. She dropped down at her desk and started pulling out paperwork. Both Much and Amaro gave her odd looks, but they didn't argue. While Munch outranked Olivia, even he wouldn't win in a fight about whether she should be at work. Only the captain would have a chance, and he wasn't in. Munch certainly didn't envy him the job either. Had Fin been at the precinct, he might have picked up on the cracks in Olivia since he'd seen them before. Unfortunately, both he and Rollins were out of the office for a case.


	3. A Window Into My Soul

Chapter Three – A Window Into My Soul

Rossi's Journal: Entry One

_The sky is clear and blue. The wind is blowing softly and rustling the leaves of the trees. Even the birds are adding to the pleasantness of the day. Curious how the days can continue to appear beautiful despite the feelings of the viewer. Or is it simply that the day looks more beautiful because of what has been suffered?_

Morgan's Journal: Entry One

_I couldn't just leave her. The others didn't understand my decision, but they accepted it. After what I'd seen, how could I just walk away? She was holding on by a thread. One that was already frayed too. I'd seen first-hand how much that dream had hurt her, how broken it had left her. Usually once a case is over we go home and leave the victims to figure things out on their own. There have only been a few times when any of us diverged from that. Like with Ellie. This is one of those times. She's barely holding on, and I just can't let her fall. I have to admit that I'm also being a little selfish. Usually I lack trust. Hotch tells me that all the time. Yet for some reason she got me to trust her without even knowing it. She reached me when nobody else could. As much as I hate to admit it, I need her help. Together we might actually stand a chance._

0~0~0~0

After seeing the rest of the BAU off at the airstrip, Morgan took a cab and headed down to the 16th precinct. He wasn't sure Olivia would be there, but even if she wasn't he could find out how to get in touch with her. It wasn't his place to tell her co-workers what had happened so they could help her. Instead he would do what convincing he could so they would let him help her as well. So far, as long as he stayed focused on something, like talking to Garcia or Emily or planning what to say to Olivia, his thoughts didn't stray to places he'd rather they didn't go. If Olivia wouldn't accept his help, he could at least provide her with a distraction.

The moment he walked in he spotted Olivia sitting at her desk and apparently working. He couldn't believe she'd been allowed back to work so quickly. Even Rossi and Hotch wouldn't be allowed back to work so quickly, and they seemed less affected by their capture than Olivia did.

"Can I help you?"

Morgan swung his head around to look at the man sitting across the aisle from Olivia. Amaro's question had caught Olivia's attention, and she glanced up looking just as surprised to see Morgan here as he'd been to see her back at work.

"Agent Morgan?" she asked, her forehead furrowed in confusion.

"Hey. I was hoping I could get a chance to talk to you. I wanted to see how you were doing and let you know that I'm going to stay in New York for a little while."

Olivia wasn't sure what to think about his announcement. She could think of a few reasons why he would decide to stay in New York and a few of them weren't appealing to her. The last thing she needed was someone else besides her squad keeping a close eye on her and wanting to make sure she didn't break.

"When are the others leaving?"

"Their plane took off a little over an hour ago. They didn't want to bug you but told me to pass along the message to keep in touch, especially if you need anything."

"And you stayed because?"

Morgan caught the suspicion that colored her voice and quickly worked out the right phrasing for his answer.

"Because we already know what happened there. For each of us. At least with you I won't have to start over."

"Even though I don't know about that case?"

"Yeah. I still think it's best for us to stay together for a little while."

Before Olivia could make a snappish comment about how she didn't need a babysitter Fin walked in with Rollins at his side.

"Stay together? Liv, who is this guy?"

Olivia sighed and rubbed at her eyes. Of course Fin would be protective of her. If she explained who Morgan was Fin would probably try to get answers about what happened. That was the last thing Olivia needed. Any answers Fin got would give him enough to guess what had happened to her, especially since he knew so much about Sealview.

She'd been quiet for so long and her face had paled a few shades. It was enough to make both Fin and Morgan worried.

"Olivia?" Morgan asked.

"Liv, look at me," Fin said at the same time.

Olivia shook herself free of her fears so she could calm both men down. Her eyes flicked from Morgan to Fin.

"I'm fine."

"My ass," Fin grumbled. "You shouldn't even be here. There's no way you were cleared for work."

Her eyes narrowed to fiery slits as she glared at Fin.

"I don't need to be cleared for desk duty, Fin."

"Liv, after what you just faced…"

Olivia slammed her pen down and stood from her seat in a rage.

"What I faced? You don't know anything, Fin!" Olivia was too furious to stop herself, and she wasn't thinking straight. If she had been, she never would have continued. "You're one of the reasons I faced what I did!"

By that point Olivia was barely keeping it together, but she refused to cry in front of them. Instead she stormed past Fin, nearly running out the door. Fin was in too much shock to do anything to stop her.

"Fin, man, don't take it personally," Amaro advised. "She's not thinking straight."

Just as Amaro finished Cragen walked into the squad room with a perplexed look on his face. He glanced over his shoulder toward the doors he'd just walked through before turning back to address his people.

"What's going on? I just saw Olivia run out of here like the grim reaper himself was after her."

"I don't know, Captain. Liv said something about how this was Fin's fault, but that doesn't make any sense," Rollins explained.

She glanced worriedly toward her partner. Cragen followed her gaze and didn't like what he saw.

"Fin?"

Fin looked at his captain to answer, but it was more like he was looking through Cragen than at him. Olivia's words had torn through him even though he'd made no sense. She had to have said them for a reason.

"I don't know, Cap."

Morgan didn't like how this was all turning out, and he really didn't want to reveal what had happened without Olivia's permission. She'd never asked him not to say anything, but he still felt like sharing would be breaking her confidence. At this point though, the damage of not saying anything might be more severe.

"Does Sealview mean anything to you?" he asked.

All heads turned toward Morgan. Just from the wide eyed look on Fin's face, Morgan knew the word meant something to them.

"How the hell do you know about Sealview?" Fin demanded.

"I don't really. It was the thing she wanted me to tell her. That we weren't at Sealview. That's really why I stayed. She wouldn't tell me much, and I doubt that would change with you either."

"Understatement of the year. Olivia talks about her real feelings about as often as the president speaks the truth," Munch grumbled.

"Give her some time," Cragen advised. "Let her cool down and try to sort things out. We'll call her tonight."

"I'll check in on her, Cap," Amaro offered.

Fin was already shaking his head. There was no way anyone would be checking on Liv besides him. Out of all of them, he was the one who knew the most about Sealview.

"I got it, Amaro."

"I'm her partner. I think I'm capable of checking on her," Amaro growled.

"Look, man, Liv never told anyone what really happened at Sealview. Not even Stabler. As much as you want to help, she won't share with you. I'm the only one that knows anythin' about what happened there."

And even he didn't know the whole story. Olivia had never shared it with him, and he doubted she ever would, though he'd pieced together enough to get a pretty clear picture regardless.

"Fin handles this, Amaro," Cragen ordered, stopping any argument before it started.

He'd give Fin time to work tonight and Olivia some space, but eventually he was going to need to speak with her and get things squared away. That would mean time with Huang or another counselor and psych evaluations. Both things Olivia would hate.

"Everyone back to work."

Fin watched closely as Morgan left the squad room. He wasn't sure what to make of the other man. While there seemed to be a genuine desire to help Olivia in him, Fin wasn't willing to let someone unknown get near her when she was in such a fragile state. He had every intention of looking this guy up, and if he passed that test they'd be having a nice long discussion before Morgan was "allowed" to talk to Olivia.

Had Morgan known what Fin was up to, he would have completely understood. If the roles had been reversed and some guy he didn't know was trying to help JJ or Prentiss he would have behaved the same way. As he wandered the streets of New York trying desperately to keep the memories at bay he couldn't help considering calling Olivia. Finally he pulled out his phone, deciding to just take the risk. Olivia picked up on the third ring.

_"Benson."_

She sounded overly in control, like she couldn't risk allowing any emotion to enter her voice. Olivia was obviously barely holding on but refused to show it. Morgan couldn't blame her for that. Chances were the entire BAU was doing the same thing.

"Detective? It's Derek Morgan."

There was a short pause on the other end which Morgan figured was probably from her taking a moment to regulate her answer. When she replied her voice was touched with irritation.

_"I would ask how you got this number, but I probably don't want to know the answer. So what do you want, Agent?"_

"I just want to talk. That's all."

_"About what happened I would guess."_

Her snappish tone would have been clear even if Morgan hadn't been a profiler. Despite that, he didn't allow it to bother him all that much.

"Not if you don't want to, but I was really hoping you'd just listen.

_"So you can encourage me to get help? Look, Agent, I don't need you taking on the role of my shrink."_

She already had one, not like she would tell Morgan that. In fact, her first appointment back was tonight. Olivia wasn't looking forward to it in the least even though she knew it was necessary. As much as she wanted to, she couldn't deny that her PTSD symptoms had returned.

"I'm not trying to be, and I don't want you to be mine either. I just want to be a friend, and I was hoping you'd be the same for me."

Again Olivia hesitated.

_"Why me, Morgan? Why not someone else from your team?"_

A smile drifted across Morgan's face. For the first time in their conversation she'd used his name and not his title. It meant something. She wasn't holding a wall up between them and only speaking to him because it would be unprofessional to hang up anymore.

"Because you get it. You understand, but you're not one of them. I don't know how the hell you do it, but you make sense."

_"I make sense, do I?"_ she chuckled.

"Damn, you didn't know?"

Olivia couldn't help smiling just a little bit. Initially she'd had no intention of talking to Morgan at all. Somehow, though she honestly had no idea how, he'd managed to sway her. More than that, he'd gotten her to smile for the first time since the kidnapping.

_"Alright, Agent Morgan."_

"Derek or at least Morgan."

Olivia rolled her eyes but corrected herself.

_"Alright, Derek. Meet me at the coffee house on the corner of Madison and 56__th__. We'll go from there."_

"Alright, and Benson? Thank you for not hanging up on me."

_"I wasn't going to hang up on you."_

Morgan smirked.

"Yes you were. The only thing that kept you from doing it was your professionalism. If you weren't so professional you know you would have. Probably would've turned your phone off too so you couldn't get more calls."

Unable to deny it, Olivia decided to just ignore the comment and wrap up their conversation.

_"I'll see you in a little while, Derek."_

0~0~0~0

"Hey," Morgan said as he set his coffee down and dropped into the seat across from Olivia.

She glanced up at him without expression and nodded slightly. The entire walk over she'd been having misgivings about this meeting. Talking about what had happened or even just being reminded of it was unappealing.

Morgan didn't say a word for a long time as he debated how to begin. Going about it the wrong way could put Olivia back on the defensive again. When the silence began to stretch on too long, and it seemed obvious that Olivia wouldn't be the one to break it, Morgan finally spoke.

"Did you manage to get any sleep last night?"

Morgan had been hoping it would be an innocent question, but from the irritated flash in Olivia's eyes he'd been wrong.

"I slept fine."

Her voice was dripping with hostility, and Morgan didn't like it.

"Care to share how you managed that? I don't think I slept longer than an hour and a half at a time."

Olivia glared at him before looking at her hands and fidgeting with her coffee cup. She was being an ass and she knew it. Talking about her feelings and facing what had happened weren't her strong points. Morgan was trying though, and he'd seen her at her worst already. She took a deep breath and told herself that she could be more open with him.

"Derek, I don't talk about anything like this with my coworkers. In all honesty, I don't want to share anything with you either. I need you to understand that this… this is not easy for me. At all. There are some things that I will never be able to reveal. And…" she swallowed hard and met his eyes firmly. "I need you to swear to me that anything I do tell you stays between us."

"As long as the same understanding applies to me, we have a deal."

He held out his hand to her, and Olivia shook it.

"Have you called Ellie yet?"

Morgan allowed a flicker of a smile to cross his face. He could see what she was trying to do.

"Figure if you ask the first question you'll be off the hook, huh?"

A flash of surprise crossed Olivia's face, but she quickly hid it. She hadn't expected Morgan to call her out on it even if she had considered the fact that he might see her ploy.

"Yeah, I know what you were doing," he teased before answering her anyway. "I called last night. She's doing really well."

Olivia nodded, glad to hear that. She was ready to ask another question when Morgan cut her off.

"My turn. Did you really sleep last night?"

Olivia bowed her head in embarrassment. The answer to that question would reveal far more to Morgan than he'd even intended to ask. He probably already suspected, but to provide confirmation was an entirely different thing. She bit her lip and stared into the depths of her coffee before mumbling an answer.

"I have sleeping pills left from my time after Sealview."

Morgan assumed they were prescription pills to help her deal with the sleepless nights following severe trauma. It meant Olivia must have had a therapist she was seeing before. When she made no move to take her turn in their questioning Morgan decided to see if he could slip one more in.

"Have you considered going back?"

It took her a moment to figure out what he was talking about. When it finally clicked she sighed heavily. There really was no avoiding the question, and her eyes narrowed warningly. While the fact that she'd seen a therapist after Sealview had somehow become record she didn't need it coming up again at work. Another mark like that in her permanent file would have bad implications later on regardless of the situation that had sent her to therapy.

At first Morgan thought Olivia's anger over the question was related to him knowing she was receiving counseling and had received it before. It was a typical belief for law enforcement officers to think needing a therapist somehow made them weak. Rarely was that the case, but it was still a stigma. Morgan held up his hands to try and calm Olivia's fears.

"I wouldn't tell anyone if you were, and trust me, I won't think any less of you."

Olivia sighed heavily and brushed a strand of hair behind her ear. Morgan had a feeling it was a nervous habit of hers. She kept her head down when she answered in a barely audible whisper.

"Yes."

Olivia looked visibly disappointed in herself, like she shouldn't need to go to therapy. Morgan hated it. She didn't deserve to feel that way. He reached out and slowly rested his hand on hers. She flinched at first but relaxed quickly enough.

"That's a good thing, Olivia."

She snorted and pulled her hand away, completely disbelieving. While it would help, old wounds would be reopened and new ones would be widened. The pain she would need to go through to recover was daunting, and that was not including the pressure it could put on her job if news of her therapy got out.

"Olivia…" Morgan murmured sadly.

It was then that the smell of cigarettes, likely a residual smell on a smoker's clothes, reached him. His stomach churned and a sickening feeling washed over him. Flynn's voice rang out in his ears, and his hands started shaking.

_"Go ahead, promise her."_

_"This one's just… special."_

Olivia saw the change, how he was looking through her with glassy eyes. Unsure how he was going to react to touch during this, Olivia didn't want to reach out to him just yet.

"Morgan? Derek, I need you to come back. Listen to my voice. It's over. Come back."

As Olivia tried to draw Morgan back she had to fight down her own rising panic. If he were to reach out for her or worse, try to grab her in his own panic, Olivia wouldn't be able to help him anymore. She'd be lucky if she could help herself at that point. The last thing they needed was both of them ending up lost in flashbacks. Thankfully it didn't come to that. Morgan had heard her. He shook his head, trying to fully pull himself out of the past. Olivia watched intently until she was sure he was alright.

"Derek?"

His eyes met hers. While dark with pain, they were clear. Olivia sighed heavily in relief.

"Shit," Morgan muttered when he'd realized what had happened.

Olivia smiled sadly in return.

"Yeah."

She understood. Morgan rubbed his face, looking drawn and worried. If he was having flashbacks of the event he'd never be cleared for full duty. It would be too much of a risk for both himself and the rest of the team. Olivia was about to assure him that it would get better over time as long as he got some help when her cell rang. She glanced at the caller ID and nearly groaned when she saw Fin's number. Chances were he wasn't calling her in. Usually either Cragen or Amaro would call. Even so, she doubted Cragen would let her on a case after today. That meant the call had to be a way to check up on her.

"Benson."

_"Hey, Liv. You home?"_

"No."

The one word answer made it clear to Fin that she really didn't want to talk. Even so, he wasn't going to hang up until he figured out how she was doing and got more answers. Plus, she'd singled him out at the station house.

_"Come on, Liv. You gotta give me somethin' more than that."_

"I don't have to give you anything, Fin."

_"Damn it, Olivia! I'm worried about you! You're not thinkin' straight. After what happened you can't afford not to talk to someone. Please, talk to me."_

Olivia grit her teeth, furious with him. She was perfectly capable of making her own decisions about what she should do. Yet, if she had to pick someone to talk to about what had happened, she'd pick Fin.

"I'm getting coffee with Agent Morgan."

_"Seriously, Liv?"_

"Keep it up and you're going to regret it," Olivia growled.

_"Easy. I didn't mean anythin'. I was just surprised."_

Olivia snorted in response.

_"You comin' in tomorrow?"_

"Yeah. I'll see you then."

She hung up and tucked the phone back into her pocket. Morgan had watched her carefully, easily picking out her frustration and annoyance. She definitely didn't like people treating her like she needed coddling. When she caught him watching her she narrowed her eyes in warning and shook her head. Morgan got the hint. He better not ask questions.

"We should be heading back," Olivia said after a moment.

Morgan nodded and stood right away. Olivia followed suit but hesitated a moment after leaving the table. She turned toward him, still seeming unsure. After biting her lip she finally spoke.

"If you need anything, even just someone to talk to, you can call."

That was unexpected. Morgan could tell she really struggled to say that, but more importantly, it wasn't what she'd really wanted to say. That question was impossible for her. Morgan smiled lightly. She'd certainly found a way around it.

"Same for you. Anytime. It's not like I'll be asleep."

Olivia gave him the smallest smile possible and headed for the door.

* * *

Author's Note: Thanks to everyone who has left reviews or has followed this story. It makes me feel good that you all like it since I wasn't so sure about the whole idea. Recovery isn't exactly my forte.


	4. Falling Apart

Chapter Four – Falling Apart

Emily's Journal: Entry Two

_Sleep no longer exists for me. Neither, it seems, does peace. I'm constantly on edge and almost always shaky. I'd faced Doyle, my past, the pain of the incident and of recovery, and my death. While it had taken time, I'd come to truly accept that Doyle and the regrets of the past couldn't hurt me anymore. Not as much as before, and not if I didn't let them. I'd been wrong. This time hurt. I may not have abandoned them this time, but I still hurt them because they'd realized how close to death they'd come. All because of me. The team, my friends, almost paid for my mistakes once. What happens if next time they aren't as lucky? What if next time, instead of them just thinking I'm dead, one of them actually is? I would never forgive myself._

Olivia's Journal: Entry Five

_I once told a rape victim that I would never be over my assault, but I could live with it now. It's almost five years later and I can no longer say that's true. I'm not sure I can live with it. Once again I'm back at square one, but it feels more like negative numbers. I'm more tarnished, dirtier this time. The first time I didn't feel like I even deserved to be in therapy. After all, I hadn't been raped. Now it's even worse. Officially I wasn't even sexually assaulted, which means I definitely wasn't raped. Just because the dream had seemed so real doesn't mean it actually happened. Yet it feels like it did. My head can't tell the difference, and I'm not strong enough to overcome it. It's pathetic. I hadn't thought I was this weak, but I am. My unit has far more faith in me than I deserve. Even my therapist has faith in me and my recovery. The problem is that I don't have faith in myself. As much as it hurts to say, I don't know if I can go through all of this again. Am I even worth it if I could?_

0~0~0~0

It wasn't until a few days later that things began falling apart. Olivia had made it through a couple days of works generally acting like her usual self, though she was officially on desk duty. Morgan had spent the time on the phone with Garcia and Emily to get updates on how the rest of the team was doing. In general he'd gotten reports that fit what he'd been expecting. JJ was still out of the office and spending as much time as possible with Henry. Emily had mentioned that JJ was keeping the few phone calls she actually answered incredibly short. Garcia was, of course, worried about her little Jayje. She'd also told Morgan that both Hotch and Rossi had somehow finagled their way into being cleared for work. Considering there were only three members of the team, and two of them shouldn't be in the field yet, the BAU was grounded and simply working cases from their desks.

Overall everyone seemed to be coping well enough, which Morgan was glad to hear. Unfortunately he hadn't been sure how to describe how he and Olivia were doing. During the day she seemed alright, but Morgan could see the cracks beneath the surface. He was afraid eventually those cracks would grow and destroy her. As for himself, he was managing. Sleep was still difficult, and at times when he was alone his thoughts started drifting to dark places that were hard to escape from. When it got really bad he'd call Olivia and trust that she could pull him out of his slump. He'd even stopped in at her precinct once. Thankfully Fin had come to grudgingly trust Morgan.

That trust was going to be put to the test.

At the precinct that morning Olivia had immediately gotten down to work. They'd been slammed with new cases and had even brought in a few perps, two of which were still in the holding cell. All of that meant there was a lot of paperwork to fill out.

"Hey, Liv? You have the credit card statements for the Bexley case?" Amaro asked.

He'd been keeping an eye on his partner since her return, but since everything had been fine for the past few days he'd eased his vigil. It wasn't like Olivia had any intention of sharing her thoughts or feelings with him anyway. After being shot down a few times he'd given up.

"Right here," she answered as she held out the stack of papers

Amaro headed over to grab them when one of the perps in lock up called out to him. He turned to give the man a bland look.

"Hey, man! When you letting me out of here? I been here for hours, and I'm bored as hell."

Amaro rolled his eyes. The guy had only been in the cage for a little over an hour. Compared to how long some perps could wait there, it wasn't that long at all.

"Until someone comes to bring you to arraignment. Better get used to it though. You'll be spending all your time in a similar cell when you get to Riker's."

"How the hell long is that gonna take?"

"As long as it takes!" Amaro growled.

"Screw you, man!"

The perp flicked Amaro off then started pacing the cell. As he did he dragged his fingers along the bars, rattling them loudly. If it had been the old cell with only metal bars, the sound would have been more of a thud, thud, thud. With the new cell's design of bars and metal grating the sound was very different. Amaro watched his new annoyance as he headed toward Olivia.

If he'd been paying attention to where he was going he would have noticed that something was terribly wrong with Olivia. Her fingers were trembling and her eyes were wide and rimmed in white. She was frozen in place and didn't even seem to notice Amaro. He continued toward her while watching the noisy perp. When he took the paperwork from Olivia his fingers grazed hers. It was far more than Olivia's fragile mind could handle since the noise had already sent her tumbling down the road of PTSD.

Olivia panicked. In a heartbeat she'd shoved Amaro back violently and screamed out "no." As Amaro stumbled backwards Olivia bolted toward the wall, tripping over her chair as she went. Had her gun been on her hip, she would have drawn it.

Amaro staggered to a stop and stood staring at her in surprise. He ignored the rantings of the perps in the cage who were insisting Olivia was a dangerous psychotic and instead focused on her. She was breathing in rapid gasps and nearly trying to press herself into the wall as she shook her head no. Amaro could hear her muttering the word in and endless cycle that was once in a while interspersed with "please don't" or "stay away from me." Deathly worried about her, Amaro went to her side and started to reach out and comfort her.

"Olivia?"

Fin immediately snapped his hand down onto Amaro's shoulder to stop him. He'd had to nearly dive over Olivia's desk to do it, but any pain he might have suffered was worth it.

"No, Amaro! Don't touch her. Don't get anywhere near her."

Amaro turned a wide eyed look of surprise on Fin but pulled away from his partner without question.

"Fin, what…?"

"She's got PTSD. Let me handle this. Just call Derek Morgan."

"Her new friend from the Feds?" Munch asked. "Which part of "Feds only make things worse" is a foreign concept for you?"

Olivia's screaming had brought more than just Fin running. The entire squad was there watching and worrying. Fin shot his old partner a dark look. He didn't have time to be dealing with John right now. Not when Liv so desperately needed him.

"Because she's gonna need someone to help her through this for the rest of the day, you scrawny piece of shit!"

Munch opened his mouth to snap back a retort to that comment, but Cragen put a stop to it all. There was no way he would allow his best detective to suffer while the others argued.

"John, make the call. Fin, handle Olivia."

No questions were asked after that. Munch went to call, and Fin turned his full attention to Olivia. She hadn't calmed at all through the panic had subsided into tears. Fin took a few steps closer, careful to stay a short distance away so she wouldn't feel closed in, and held his hands out to his sides. His eyes stayed locked on her tear streaked face, and he couldn't help noticing she never made eye contact with him. She never even came close.

"Liv? Olivia, it's alright. Listen to me. Breathe and feel your feet on the ground. You're fine. You're safe."

Fin's calm, steady voice was slowly sinking through the fog penetrating Olivia's mind. While she was starting to hear it, the noise wasn't words yet. Olivia choked out a sob and pressed harder into the wall as she tightened one arm around herself. The other was resting on the wall, though "resting" wasn't really the right word. Her fingers were almost digging into it instead.

"Liv, come on. Look at me. It's just me. Just Fin. Come on, Olivia."

He had to repeat the message a few more times before she finally turned wet eyes toward him. Fin's heart sank when he saw the dark abyss that filled her eyes. She was hurting so badly, and Fin wasn't sure he saw any of Olivia behind the fear. It scared him.

"Liv, take a minute to figure out where you are. Can you feel the wall under your hand?"

Olivia nodded jerkily and kept her wide eyes trained on Fin. The response brought Fin at least a little bit of relief, and he nodded reassuringly.

"Good, Liv. Breathe, alrigh'?" When he'd received another jerky nod he continued. "You alrigh' now?"

After a shaky breath Olivia nodded. Despite the affirmation, two tears escaped her eye and trickled down her cheek. It was something Olivia rarely, if ever, allowed to happen at work, yet she didn't try to wipe them away. That alone gave Fin her answer, and it wasn't yes. He turned toward Cragen and the others. The captain didn't show any emotion, as usual, but Fin caught the worried look in his eyes. Amaro barely seemed capable of keeping himself from reaching out to his partner. To see her this fragile really threw him off. Even Rollins and Munch looked worried and uneasy.

"Cap, I'm gonna take Liv up to the cribs for a bit. He shows up, lemme know."

"I'll knock," Cragen confirmed.

Fin nodded and moved toward Olivia.

"Can I take your arm?"

Olivia hesitated and bit her lip. The thought of someone touching her was almost too much, but this was Fin. Her colleague and friend. Her back-up. A back-up that hadn't come. Olivia started gasping for breath and collapsed into a squat. He hadn't come, and _the hands had been all over her_. He hadn't come, and _the hot breath had been at her neck, in her face_. He hadn't come, and _she'd had to taste __**him**_. Still he hadn't come, and _she'd felt his weight press her down and hold her there_. She hadn't been worth rescuing, so he hadn't come, and _she'd felt __**him**__ inside of her, destroying her_.

"You didn't come. Why didn't you come? You were supposed to be there, but you didn't come. Why didn't you come? Why?"

By that point she was crying continually and almost rocking back and forth. The others were staring at her in stunned shock. Whatever was going on in her head, it wasn't good. She needed help.

"What the hell is she talking about?" Amaro whispered worriedly.

"I don't know," Cragen admitted. "Fin?"

"Liv, the Feds wouldn't let us come on the raid to rescue you. We tried, believe me."

"You were there. You were there, and you didn't come in time."

Fin's brow furrowed as he tried to process what she was saying. What she was talking about didn't fit with her abduction. He hadn't been with her before or during. None of the others had either, though Fin was pretty sure she was talking about him. Then he remembered the hint Morgan had given him days ago.

"Liv, you mean Sealview?"

She flinched at the name, which gave him all the answer he needed. His heart hurt for her. He'd seen how hard she'd fought to put herself back together after her PTSD had kicked in following Sealview. At times it had been really hard to watch.

"Oh, Liv…" Fin sighed as he ran his hand over his head and chin. "I'm sorry I didn't get there earlier, but I did get there."

Olivia shook her head, her eyes glazing over. While Fin had reached her in time during the real incident, he hadn't come anywhere close in her dream. Unfortunately the dream was far too clear in her mind and wasn't going anywhere.

"Didn't come. Wasn't there. I couldn't stop him."

Olivia wasn't making eye contact anymore, and her sentences were broken and barely understandable. Fin didn't understand what had happened, which meant he wasn't sure what to do to help.

"Fin, stay by her until she calms down. See if you can get anything out of her. The rest of you, back to work. It's not going to help to stick around," Cragen ordered.

For the next fifteen minutes Olivia didn't say a word. Fin stayed nearby to keep an eye on her. She'd calmed a little bit, but so far she hadn't moved off the floor. Her gaze was lost off in the distance, and Fin couldn't even begin to guess where her thoughts were. Finally Morgan had reached the station and spotted Fin sitting near Olivia. Right away his mind started churning as he took in their body language. Fin's shoulders were slumped, and he his chin rested on his hands while his eyes were locked on Olivia. If Morgan had to guess, he'd assume something had happened to trigger Olivia's memories, and Fin hadn't been able to help her.

"Hey, man," he said softly when he reached Fin. "What happened?"

Fin sat up but kept his eyes on Olivia. Over the past few days he'd come to accept Morgan, but he still wasn't a big fan of him. Right now what he thought didn't really matter as long as Morgan could help Olivia.

"A creep in the cage set her off, then when I thought she was startin' to come back we lost her even farther. I can't even figure out why she's sayin' what she was."

"What was that?"

"That I didn't come in time. Or didn't come at all. At first I thought she was talkin' 'bout this mess, but then I realized it had to be Sealview. But even that doesn't make sense. I didn't get there as fast as I wanted, but I did get there."

Morgan had a bad feeling that he knew why Olivia had been saying that. To be sure he'd have to get Fin to share some information about Sealview, and he wasn't so sure Fin would.

"Look, I don't want to break Olivia's confidence any more than you do, but to help her I need you to tell me what happened at Sealview."

Morgan kept his eyes locked on Fin until he received a response. Fin was unsure at first, but in the end he had to agree with Morgan. Olivia couldn't go on like this. If helping her meant she'd be furious with him later, Fin would still do it.

"Alrigh', but we talk in Cragen's office. Nobody else needs to hear this."

That was fully acceptable to Morgan, and he nodded. Crouching down near Olivia, he spoke to her in a quiet voice.

"Olivia, we need to go talk in your captain's office. Do you want to come with us or should we find someone to stay here with you?"

Olivia pushed herself to her feet without a word. She led the way into Cragen's office but gave no explanation when her captain gave her a questioning look. Fin slipped in right after her.

"Can we borrow your office for a bit, Cap?"

Cragen looked over his two detectives and Agent Morgan. Olivia still looked dazed and lost while the two men seemed worried. With a nod of approval he left them alone in his office to talk, shutting the door behind him. Once they were alone Morgan immediately turned to Fin and asked his first question.

"Was she raped?"

"No, but from what I saw it came close."

Olivia had heard the question and physically recoiled. Part of her wanted to scream yes, but it was far overpowered. There was no way she could admit to that happening.

"You were there?" Morgan asked.

Fin growled furiously as he thought back to that day.

"I found Olivia handcuffed to a door with that bastard standin' over her with his pants down," he hissed softly in response so that Olivia wouldn't hear.

Morgan didn't need to hear another word. Everything made sense now because there was only one way Olivia's dream could have gone. He swore softly. The suspicions he and the team had had after Oliiva's dream had to be right. He grabbed Fin's arm and led him away from Olivia so she wouldn't be forced to relive it through his words.

"The guy who took us made our worst nightmares even worse. She saw Sealview, and I guarantee you what happened was that you didn't show up."

Fin immediately wanted to be sick. For a while after the undercover op he'd had to force himself not to consider what would have happened if he hadn't reached Olivia when he did. The answer was bad. Now not only had Olivia thought about it, she'd lived it. Fin couldn't blame her at all for thinking he'd abandoned her. In what she'd just experienced, he had.

"Oh, Liv…"

He moved toward her, and she immediately met his eyes, though warily.

"Liv, I did come. I never would have abandoned you. Never. I came for you, and I'd do the same next time too if it ever came to that. Don't let some creep convince you I wouldn't. Never happened. Never would."

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

"I know," Fin returned with a small smile, "and I know it's gonna to take some time for you to pull through this. Just know we're here if you need us, alrigh'?"

Olivia nodded and then bit her lip before hesitantly looking up at Fin.

"Tell Cragen I'm going home for the day?"

"Sure, and I'm sure he'd want you to take as long as you need."

Olivia nodded again and slipped out of Cragen's office, her arms wrapped protectively around herself. Once Olivia was out of earshot but before she could get too far, Fin turned to Morgan. His gaze drilled into the other man.

"You look after her. Hear me?"

"I will."

0~0~0~0

Morgan had taken Olivia home after her incident at the station house. He'd been rather surprised that she'd allowed him to stay, but he'd also been relieved. For the most part he had about the same job as a decorative vase though. Olivia had disappeared off to shower and hadn't returned for a while. By the time she had Morgan had made tea and managed to scrounge up some pasta from her near empty cabinets. While Olivia hadn't argued about eating, in fact she had yet to say a word, she hadn't shown any desire to take more than two bites. After quite a bit of convincing Morgan had gotten her to take a few sleeping pills so she could try to rest. Once she was asleep Morgan got his laptop set up and started a video chat with Garcia.

"Hey, baby girl. How's it going?"

Garcia sighed heavily. Despite all of the bright colors she was wearing and the variety of fun toys scattered around her, Garcia didn't seem like her usual happy self. She promptly ignored his question and asked one of her own.

_"Are you okay? You look terrible."_

And he did. There were dark rings around his eyes, and the exhaustion was obvious on his face and in his body language. Garcia didn't need to be a profiler to see it either. Morgan rubbed at his eyes, allowing that exhaustion to show even more.

"Just tired, momma. Just tired."

_"Well, then get un-tired Morgan because I don't like seeing you like this."_

Morgan couldn't help smiling softly in response to that. She just made it sound so easy all the time.

"What's it like over there?"

_"Quiet,"_ she sighed. _"It's really just me and Reid. Hotch and Rossi are here, but they don't really come out of their offices."_

"At all?"

_"Rossi's in and out like he usually is according to Reid. As for the boss man,"_ Garcia shook her head sadly, _"he's always in there. Door closed, blinds pulled."_

That didn't sound like Hotch at all. In fact, whenever his door and blinds were closed it was cause for worry. Morgan could count the number of times that had happened on one hand, the last time being when JJ had left the squad. If Hotch was pulling away like that things couldn't be going well. At least if Rossi was back in the office as well he'd keep an eye on Hotch.

"Any idea when JJ and Prentiss are coming back?"

_"No, sweet stuff."_

Morgan sighed. He would have hoped that by now Prentiss would have an idea of when her shrink might clear her for work. As for JJ, Morgan had no idea. It was going to come down to when she felt ready.

_"When is my dark prince coming back?"_

"Wish I could give you an answer to that, baby doll, but I can't. We're kind of going day by day here. Sometimes even hour by hour."

_"Just come back soon, Derek. I don't like it like this. It's quiet, and lonely, and sad."_

"I know, baby girl. I know."

* * *

Author's Note: Yes, I know in the new squad room the cage isn't in the main room where the detectives meet but play along please.


	5. Let Me Pick Up Your Pieces

Chapter Five – Let Me Pick Up Your Pieces

JJ's Journal: Entry Seven

_Have I failed him? At first I thought the only failure with Henry was that I wasn't home enough. Now I'm not sure it's that small. To fail him that much even if it was just a dream was bad enough, but then there was yesterday. I took him up to the park, which shouldn't have been a big deal. Only someone showed up with a dog, and I panicked. I must have screamed his name, or he must have seen me freeze because a moment later he was there in my arms. He'd wrapped his arms around my neck and just held on. As he did, he asked me what was wrong, and then told me I was okay. I remember that so clearly. His little voice telling me over and over again, "It's okay, mommy. It's okay." I don't think I would have held it together without that. No child should need to be holding his parent together. Supporting him and talking to him when something doesn't go right is my job. If I can't even do that, what else will this job prevent me from doing for him? What else will I fail him in?_

0~0~0~0

Six days, 17 hours, and 39 minutes ago Reid had received confirmation that the team had been rescued. Three days ago was the last time he'd talked to JJ, and not from lack of trying. He had been trying and trying hard, but she hadn't answered any of his calls or texts. After so long with absolutely no contact, he was starting to worry. Something had to be done.

Reid glanced up at Hotch's closed door and hesitated for just a moment. He hadn't really spoken much to Hotch since his boss' return, but neither had anyone else. While he wasn't sure how Hotch would react, Reid had to confront him about his concerns. Getting to his feet, Reid headed up the steps to Hotch's office and knocked on the door.

"Come in."

Reid pushed the door open and stepped inside. A quick glance at Hotch showed he was in full leader mode despite the fact that he didn't need to be. His expression was rock hard and guarded. None of what he was feeling would slip through.

"Hotch, have you heard from JJ?"

"Yes."

Reid almost sighed. He should have been expecting such a short response given how Hotch had been acting.

"I meant recently."

Hotch gave absolutely no response to that and waited for Reid to go on and make his point.

"She hasn't answered any of my calls for days, and Emily has said the same thing. We're worried, Hotch."

At that moment Hotch would have loved to simply close his eyes and rub his face with his hands, but he couldn't. Showing that type of weakness to a member of his team, especially when they were already so out of sorts, couldn't happen. Instead he took a slow, steady breath before looking up at Reid.

"I'll look into it."

Reid opened his mouth as if to ask for more than that, but he seemed to decide against it last minute. Instead he nodded uneasily and turned to leave. It was in Hotch's hands now. Hopefully he would do something with it.

0~0~0~0

"Olivia?"

Her psychologist's voice drew Olivia back into the present. She took a shaky breath and forced herself to keep her eyes closed for a little while. When she felt steady again she opened them and looked up.

"Sorry, Margo."

"What were you thinking about?"

Olivia almost flinched at the question as the memories came pouring back once more.

_"You're gonna give it to me."_

_"It's a part of you. How could you expect anything less?"_

She started trembling, her mind taking her down paths she didn't want to travel. Margo saw the shift and knew she had to do something before Olivia fell into a full-blown flashback.

"Olivia, I need you to breathe and focus. Deep breaths, Olivia. Stay with me."

With a strangled whimper Olivia refocused and shoved down the awful memories. It took her a few moments, but she was finally about to face Margo and stay in full control.

"There. Welcome back," Margo said gently. "Do you need a minute?"

"No," Olivia answered immediately.

Margo eyed Olivia closely for a while, trying to decide if her answer was genuine or not. She knew quite well that her client had a talent for putting up a solid brave front even when she was seconds away from falling apart. Olivia was nowhere near as strong as she wanted to appear at the moment.

"Alright. What were you thinking about before?"

"Nothing," Olivia whispered as she focused her eyes on the ground between them.

Margo smiled gently when she saw it. It was one of Olivia's most common evasion moves in session, but it was also a dead giveaway that there was more to the answer.

"Olivia, you know that isn't going to fly here. I know you better than that."

Olivia could feel Margo's eyes boring into her, and she wanted to somehow get away or disappear. While Margo knew about Olivia's worst moments, she didn't know about Olivia's past. At least not completely. Her parentage and childhood had never come up in sessions, and Olivia had no intention of bringing it up on her own. Seeing that Olivia didn't seem all that ready to answer, Margo did a little prodding.

"Olivia?"

As she turned her attention back to Margo, Olivia's eyes shifted past the clock. It gave her the prefect out.

"Our time's up."

Without giving Margo even a millisecond to respond, Olivia was up out of her chair and heading for the door. Margo sighed heavily and tapped her pen against her note pad. Olivia had some of the tallest and strongest walls she'd ever seen. Dealing with her and reaching her had never been easy.

0~0~0~0

_"Is it worth it to stop helping people since we might let them down?"_

Olivia's words had been continually returning to Morgan ever since she'd said them, but especially recently when he was alone. They rang true and gave him something to think about and hold on to when things were hard. He glanced down at the list sitting on the desk in his hotel room. By this point it was getting pretty long. Whenever he wasn't with Olivia or talking to someone in Quantico he was adding names to it. Seeing how many people he'd helped over the years had eased the pain and defeat he felt because of the dream. Plus it reinforced Olivia's words. He may not be perfect, but what he did was still worth the chance of failure.

A steady knock on the door caught Morgan's attention. He wasn't exactly expecting visitors, and there were only so many people he knew in the city. Morgan pulled the door open and blinked in surprise at his guest.

"Detective? How'd you know where I'm staying?"

Fin leaned casually against the door frame like showing up wasn't a big deal.

"I'm a cop, man. I got my ways."

"Threatening the desk people and invading privacy."

"You can't tell me you haven't used the same methods at some point."

Touché. He stood back and waved Fin into the room.

"You must have had a pretty good reason to come track me down like this."

"Liv's a pretty good reason to do a lot of things. She means a lot to all of us, and we look after her. Right now the two of us are the best people to help her, and I need to know you're gonna look after her."

"If she lets me, I will," Morgan assured.

"She ain't gonna let you, but you gotta anyway."

Morgan watched in confusion, but Fin seemed dead serious. Even now he wasn't taking his eyes off of Morgan's face. He didn't doubt that Fin would do just about anything to help Olivia. After all, he'd come all this way.

"She really is that stubborn, huh?"

Fin smirked. "You have no idea."

"Thought I did, but if she has more coming I could be in for it."

"You'll fight her every step of the way. That's the way she is."

"I noticed."

After setting up a time to meet and talk the next day, the two men parted ways. Morgan had explained that Olivia would likely be stopping by later, and Fin didn't want to be around for that. He wasn't sure how Olivia would take it, and exceedingly badly was certainly a possibility. On the way out the door Morgan had assured Fin once again that he'd keep an eye on Olivia. Fin didn't need the reassurance since he'd seen what Morgan had been doing for Olivia so far, but it was still nice to hear.

0~0~0~0

Back at the BAU, Hotch had been staring at the paperwork on his desk for ages. While his eyes were there and his pen had been tapping away on top of it, his thoughts were nowhere near the work. They hadn't been for hours. For the past few days work had enabled him not to dwell on what had happened and, more importantly, the implications it had on the team. Ever since Reid had brought up his concerns this morning though Hotch couldn't keep his mind on track. His entire team was suffering. Why? Well the initial reason was obvious. They'd been kidnapped and put through an incredibly traumatic event. Of course the real cause of their pain was not as obvious. Who was it that had allowed them to be kidnapped? Who was supposed to protect them and had failed? To Hotch, the answer was far too clear.

The team saw enough atrocities that could scar their souls and tear them apart. It couldn't be prevented considering it was just part of the job. Even so, Hotch did everything he could to ease the burden on them. He made decisions to protect his team. That was his role as the leader, and the others counted on him to do that job well. He certainly hadn't done well this time.

A firm knock on Hotch's office door dragged him out of his self-deprecation. He composed himself immediately, locking down his emotions. Whoever was on the other side of the door needed to see him steady and self-assured. Anything else would unstablize his team members.

"Come in."

Rossi pulled the door open and stepped into Hotch's office, closing the door firmly behind him. He understood Hotch's need to show only confidence to solidify the team and agreed that the team needed a strong leader to hold them together and allow them to work to the level they were capable. That meant speaking to Hotch about what he felt needed to be discussed had to be done behind closed doors. If Hotch wasn't going to look after himself or if he was going to place the weight of the world on his own shoulders then Rossi was going to step in. One glance at Hotch told Rossi that was exactly what was happening.

"What was Reid in here for earlier?" Rossi began.

"He's worried about JJ. Have you heard from her?"

Rossi shook his head. "Not for a few days."

Hotch nodded and filed that away. It seemed like JJ really was keeping her distance. Usually he trusted JJ to look after herself, but this time he was worried enough to feel the need to check on her. Rossi seemed to read Hotch's pause.

"You're going to check on her?"

"I believe it's appropriate."

It came off a little harsher than Hotch had intended. Thankfully Rossi had faced far worse and never let it bother him. After all, they were all a little bit uptight at the moment.

"I wasn't questioning your judgment. I agree."

Hotch gave him a curt nod in return. For a long while after that Rossi just watched his friend without a word. Most people couldn't read anything from Aaron Hotchner. Even among the team it was a challenge to pick out his emotions. Rossi, however, could dig deep enough to find the truth, and he knew Hotch's subtle tells.

"Aaron, I think I know where your head is going, and I'm not going to let you do it. We've been over this before. If I have to hand you my gun again, I will."

Hotch's defenses immediately crumbled. He rubbed at his face, truly feeling the weight bearing down on him. It pained Rossi greatly to see Hotch hurting so badly. He may have been taking care of the team, but he wasn't taking care of himself. Instead of taking the time to recover and heal the cracks their kidnapping had caused, he was placing more strain on himself. Both the team's recovery and his own guilt. It was like having an army of semis drive across a bridge that's in need of repairs. It might hold up for a little while, but soon enough it would collapse under the pressure. Rossi sat down across from Hotch and leaned over the desk.

"Listen to me very closely. This is something that you need to hear, and I'm going to make sure you do."

"Dave, I…"

Rossi cut him off right away. "Aaron, I said you were going to listen, not talk."

Hotch's snapping eyes only made Rossi grin. Once in a while he could really get through and put Hotch in his place.

"What happened was not your fault. There was absolutely nothing you could have done to prevent it."

"Maybe not, but I at least could have done more to get us out."

"No, Hotch. You did everything you could. You stayed strong through all of that and kept all of us calm and focused."

Hotch shook his head, already denying it.

"I could have –"

"Keep it up and I will hit you," Rossi teased, his eyes sparkling. Despite the teasing, in a way he was being fully serious. Hotch couldn't keep this up or it would destroy him and the team.

Hotch was taken aback and just blinked at Rossi. Finally the tension in his shoulders eased, and he allowed the briefest flicker of a smile. Rossi returned the grin. Hotch probably wasn't a believer yet, but at least the seed had been planted. He stood and headed toward the door, calling out just as he left.

"You work on that."

0~0~0~0

A few hours later Hotch sat in his car outside of JJ's home. He'd gotten off the phone with Prentiss a short while ago, but still he hadn't moved. As he'd expected, Prentiss' shrink hadn't cleared her for any kind of work. Hotch had picked up on the boiling frustration in his agent's voice. She wanted to be back and was working on convincing her doctor that she was fully capable of doing so. Prentiss had explained that she was hoping to be cleared by next week. Hotch had left it with that and turned his attention to JJ. While Rossi's words still rang in his head and he was working on accepting the truth of them, he wasn't looking forward to facing Will or seeing how the event had changed JJ. Because it had. It had changed them all. With a sigh he got out of his car and started a slow walk up to JJ's front door. After another brief moment of hesitation he knocked.

Will was the one who answered. He stared at Hotch in open surprise for a moment before his expression became a little more hardened. Hotch noticed the change, which confirmed his earlier assumption that Will wouldn't be pleased to see him.

"Will."

JJ's husband returned the greeting with a curt nod.

"Agent Hotchner."

Hotch could tell that Will was wary of the reason JJ's boss was here. It would certainly be reasonable for him to think Hotch was here to reprimand JJ. In fact, that was about the only reason most bosses would turn up for a home visit. Hotch wasn't one to interfere with his team's home lives. Not unless it was truly important, and this was important.

"I need to speak to JJ, Will."

"So you can get a reason why she's still not back at work?" Will asked, again sounding borderline accusatory.

Hotch didn't take it personally, though he did notice that Will was still blocking the entryway. He kept his voice even when he answered Will.

"I don't need an excuse for why JJ isn't at work. She can take all the time she needs as long as it's still being approved."

"And you're the one doing the approving."

There was a slight twitch at Hotch's mouth that couldn't be called a smile. The team though would have known that was exactly what it was.

"Unfortunately, no, but I do have some say."

And he would fight for JJ as hard as he needed to as long as she truly needed it. If that fight needed to be with JJ herself at some point instead of the upper level bureaucrats, then he would do that too.

Will sighed heavily and nodded. He'd seen how much Hotch would go to bat for his people. That wasn't going to change now, so Will could ease off some of his protectiveness over JJ. Will shifted out of the middle of the hallway and started leading Hotch back into the house to where JJ was playing with Henry. When they reached the doorway where they could see mother and son, Will stopped. He kept his eyes on his family even as he spoke to Hotch.

"She hasn't left his side, you know. Not even at night."

Hotch nodded in understanding. He spent every available moment with Jack, and JJ had seen worse happen to her son in her dream than Hotch had in his. Of course she wasn't willing to leave his side.

"I won't be long," Hotch assured.

Will snorted like he'd believe it when he saw it, but he did head toward JJ and Henry. He crouched down beside them and spoke softly to his wife. It was too quiet for Hotch to hear what he'd said, but he saw JJ glance his way once before turning back to Will. A moment later she pushed herself to her feet and headed toward Hotch after she'd reached out to ruffle Henry's hair.

"Hotch. Let's go talk over here."

She led him out of the room so Will and Henry wouldn't hear. Since she had no intention of sitting down, it would easily give away her inability to stay still lately, she didn't show Hotch to a chair. Instead she shifted herself in the hallway so she could just see the doorway that Henry was behind out of the corner of her eye.

"I know I haven't been around," JJ began.

Hotch held up his hand to still JJ.

"That's not why I'm here, JJ. Reid's worried."

JJ turned her attention to Henry when she answered.

"About?"

When she didn't get a response for a while she glanced back at Hotch. He'd known she was trying to be evasive and had simply waited. As her eyes met his he lifted one eyebrow. JJ knew that look and she sighed. Once more she turned her eyes away.

"Me."

Hotch gave a confirming nod. JJ bit her lip and wrapped an arm around herself, gripping her other arm at the elbow. She hated knowing that she was hurting the rest of the team while she tried to deal with her demons. Everyone had enough to worry about without adding concern for her on top of it.

"Please tell them not to worry. Especially Reid."

"It might go over better if you answer your calls and tell them yourself."

A flicker of a smile crossed JJ's face. Hotch had a point, and part of JJ had felt bad for not answering, but she wouldn't have been able to handle the calls. She could hardly hold herself together in front of her family. Doing the same thing, only better, in front of her teammates was near impossible.

"We aren't the media, JJ. You can show us fear sometimes."

"You should listen to your own advice, Hotch," JJ said wryly.

This time Hotch's smile was fully visible.

"I know, and I'm working on it. Don't go trying to change the subject on me though."

"It's a useful tactic."

"Yes, it is."

JJ let it pass without another word. She reached out to gently touch Hotch's arm, a small reassuring smile on her face.

"You'll get there. We all will."

"We'll be glad to have you back when you're ready, JJ."

"Thank you."

"And talk to Reid at least once in a while. You know Reid. If you don't talk to him, he'll continue coming to me."

"I'll try," JJ promised as she led her boss out of the house.


	6. The Camel's Back

Chapter Six – The Camel's Back

Hotch's Journal: Entry Five

_In order to face down our demons we must drag them out into the light and reveal them in all of their ugliness. It is hardly easy, and pain is unavoidable. But it can be done if one has the courage to start. Alone I did not have that courage. I needed a friend to spotlight the truth, so to say, before I could even consider beginning. Once he did, however, I realized that this was exactly what I was asking my team to do. How could I ask that of them without bringing to light my own demons and facing them down? I can't, and I would never even dare to try. None of what happened is my fault. I know that in my head. We all make choices. Sometimes those choices lead to an outcome we can't foresee or control. If I had decided to have the team return to Virginia a day early we could have avoided this, but I couldn't have known that. Those circumstances were out of my control. Unfortunately, while my head knows this, my heart is still struggling to accept it. Worse yet, this fact is visible to my team, and more importantly, to my son. I need to do better._

0~0~0~0

It had been a relatively quiet night for Olivia. Morgan had come over for dinner, and they'd spent a little bit of time talking. After talk of what had happened started to visibly weigh on both of them, they'd dropped the topic. The two of them simply contented themselves to watching TV afterward, though neither one was really paying much attention to the game show. By this point they were both perfectly comfortable to sit in the same room, even in silence, just so they wouldn't be alone. Most of the time having the silent anchor in the other was enough.

A solid knock at the door startled both of them into awareness. Olivia stared around wide eyed, at first unable to figure out what had happened. She glanced around the room uneasily, adrenaline high. It wasn't until there was another knock at the door that she understood what was going on. Pulling herself off the couch, she headed toward the door. She was hardly looking forward to facing whoever was on the other side. Morgan had stood as well, but he remained by the couch to watch. He too figured the person behind the door could only be someone from her work.

When Olivia opened the door her heart nearly stopped. Standing there in front of her looking slightly uneasy was Elliot. She just gaped at him. The last person she'd expected to see was her old partner, and he was really one of the last people she would want to see. They hadn't spoken since his retirement, not even a word, and he was still boxing her, and everyone else, out.

"Elliot. What the hell are you doing here?"

Her tone of voice pricked Morgan's interest, and he shifted forward a bit to get a better idea of what was going on. Olivia looked tense and on guard despite her obvious surprise. Morgan knew that things could go badly in this situation, so he had every intention of sticking around just in case she couldn't handle it. Even so, he wasn't going to put himself in view of this guy. At least for now.

"I was worried about you."

"About what?" Olivia snapped back.

"I still have friends in the department who know you were my partner."

Meaning he'd been told what had happened. That just pissed Olivia off, for more than one reason.

"Good to know you're still taking calls from some people."

The retort hung in the air for a moment. Olivia's anger was nearly shimmering off of her. Morgan could see it, and Elliot, who was closer and knew her so much better, could definitely see it.

"Liv, I-"

"No, Elliot."

She didn't want to talk about what had happened last year, and she didn't want to talk about her abduction either. No matter what Elliot said about either event it wouldn't do any good. Olivia was not in the mood to deal with him, and she was done putting up with shit.

Elliot had seen that look in her eyes before. He had no chance of winning, and he knew it. Instead of trying to ease her fury, he just let her go and do what she needed to do. She was going to be the one to decide how the conversation would go and whether he would be able to truly talk to her.

Olivia took a deep breath before starting in on Elliot.

"I respect the decision you made even if I don't like the choices you made after. I understand your need for space, though maybe not as much space as you took, and now I'm asking for the same favor."

She didn't need to say anything more for Elliot to understand. He needed to leave her alone and let her work things out by herself just like she'd been doing since he'd left the squad.

"Olivia," Elliot pleaded.

"Leave, Elliot. Now."

She couldn't be any clearer than that, and he got the message. Elliot sighed sadly. He didn't want to leave her like this. Apparently he'd hesitated a moment too long though because Olivia turned on him in a whirlwind of fury.

"Get out!"

Olivia slammed the door in his face and whirled away. Her anger was the only thing holding her together though, and the sudden loss of it brought her careening out of control. Pressing her back against the closed door she wrapped her arms tightly around herself and choked back a sob. She was in a really fragile position right then, and Morgan knew it. While he wanted to help her, if he didn't play it right she could lash out at him and potentially throw him out too. Instead of going right to Olivia, he headed into the kitchen to grab a glass of water. He returned to her side and held it out without a word. Olivia took it with shaking fingers and swallowed down a sip or two, though most of it splashed down her chin and onto her shirt. Morgan waited until Olivia seemed a little bit more in control before speaking.

"You okay?"

"Fine. I'm fine."

But her body language told a completely different story. Her eyes were downcast, and her body was still shaking. Even more, her fingers were curled so tightly around the glass that they were white. Morgan put far more faith on body language than words. Olivia was far from fine. Still, Morgan wasn't going to push her. She probably knew that she wasn't okay as well, but she didn't want to reveal that to Morgan.

"You want me to leave?"

Morgan was hoping she didn't, but he received the answer he'd been expecting. Olivia nodded in reply, glad she hadn't had to ask. In Morgan's opinion she was in no condition to be left alone, but he had to respect her wishes. Whoever this Elliot guy was, he'd really rattled Olivia.

"Alright, but you need _anything_ you call. Got me?"

Olivia nodded weakly but still didn't meet his eyes. Instead she just shifted away from the door and planted her back against the wall. Morgan watched her briefly before slipping out the door with a shake of his head. There was no doubt he'd be checking on her early tomorrow.

0~0~0~0

The next morning Morgan did exactly that, only he ran into a problem. He couldn't find Olivia anywhere. When he stopped at her apartment she hadn't answered the door and he'd seen no indication that she was even home. A phone call after had resulted in the same thing. Considering Olivia rarely went out now thanks to the refreshed memories of her earlier attack, the fact that she wasn't home was cause for concern in Morgan's view. Even so, there was a chance she was just at a therapy appointment. She hadn't mentioned anything about one, but after her near destruction the night before she could have gone in for an emergency meeting. If she wasn't back or answering her phone in an hour and a half he'd really be worried.

An hour and a half later left Morgan with frayed nerves and more nervous energy than he knew what to do with. With word from Olivia still nonexistent, Morgan's mind was racing overtime. Had he screwed up by leaving her alone last night? He'd certainly come close to losing people before. Was Olivia the one he'd truly lost? Just the thought of it froze him solid. Images from Morgan's nightmare danced through his head, taunting him with each pass. Flynn's last words rang out clearly.

_"Now you'll get to go explain to them why you broke your promise."_

Morgan shook his head and drove the thoughts out. They weren't going to help him now. He may not know Olivia well, but he did know of a few places she might have gone. After a stop at Olivia's coffee shop and the nearby park she had visited with him turned up nothing Morgan was left with just one more place to look.

0~0~0~0

Fin glanced up in surprise when he saw Morgan walk into the precinct. He was even more surprised that Olivia wasn't with him. The two of them had been spending almost all of their time together, which Fin didn't particularly think was a bad thing. Someone needed to look after Olivia, and Morgan was doing a good job so far. Considering how stubborn Olivia was, that was impressive. What was more, Fin had seen Morgan calm Olivia and pull her back to the present in the same way that Olivia did for Morgan. The support wasn't just a one way street. A gentle touch on the arm, a quiet word or two, small things that might not mean much to anyone else but meant so much to each of them.

"What are you doin' here, man?"

"Benson come in today?" Morgan asked.

"Don't think so. She requested leave a week ago. Far as I know she hasn't come back yet, not that she needs to. Why?"

"Someone showed up at her place last night that really rattled her. She wasn't home this morning, and she's not answering her phone either."

Fin frowned. Liv was rarely rattled. If she'd been shaken enough to disappear, then whatever had happened was really big. He turned slightly to face the rest of the squad room.

"Hey, anyone see Liv come in this mornin'?"

General looks of confusion and a shake of a head greeted Fin. Only Amaro had anything more.

"I ran into her this morning. She said she needed to grab something out of her locker."

"You see her leave?"

"No, but I wasn't watching the door."

Fin would bet just about anything that the story Olivia had told Amaro was just that. A story. If there was one thing in her life that was consistent it was the precinct. Fin wouldn't put it past Olivia to use the precinct as a type of safe haven. Considering she'd been thrown at home, the 1-6 was the only place she could go to regroup. Chances were Olivia was still in the precinct somewhere. Fin turned his head back to Morgan and jerked his head toward the hallway.

"I know of a few places she might be. Come on."

Morgan nodded and followed after Fin. The detective wound his way through the halls and finally up a flight of steps before pushing the door of the cribs open. He kept the door slightly ajar so at least some light could trickle in.

"You take the left. I'll take the right. The bunk she usually uses is there, but that don't mean much. Check 'em all, but be quiet so you don't wake anyone else up."

Morgan gave Fin a quick nod and stepped in. He'd been a cop, so he knew the drill for the cribs. Without a word he made his way down the aisles, checking each occupied bed. In the end, none of the sleeping cops were Olivia.

"Any other ideas?" Morgan asked Fin once the other man had joined him outside of the cribs.

"I got a couple ideas, yeah."

Fin made his way back downstairs and started toward the interview and interrogation rooms. On his way he glanced into the break room to make sure Olivia wasn't there. She wasn't, nor was she in any of the other rooms. Cragen had spotted Fin wandering around and left his office to figure out what was going on.

"Fin, what are you doing?"

"Lookin' for Liv. You seen her?"

Cragen lifted his eyebrow in surprise.

"She's on leave."

"I know, Cap, but we figured she might have come here. Quiet place to think. Safe."

"She's not answering her cell?"

"Not for hours," Morgan answered. "She's not at her place either."

Cragen turned his eyes from Morgan and locked them onto Fin.

"You find her."

Fin nodded and turned away. Morgan glanced at him in silent question.

"I got one more place to look."

0~0~0~0

The concrete was cold against Olivia's back and legs. She should have gone inside hours ago but still hadn't gotten up. In fact, she'd barely even moved since she'd sat down on the roof of the precinct. Olivia tipped her head back and let it thud against the wall, closing her eyes in the process. Everything hurt and her head was such a jumbled mess that she couldn't make sense of anything anymore.

Part of her registered the creak of the door that opened onto the roof, but she still didn't move. It wasn't like she was within full view to anyone who'd come up anyways. Most people who came up left others to their own business, if anyone else was even up there at all. Ignoring the possibility of a guest, Olivia closed her eyes and focused on the feeling of the wind blowing her hair.

Fin was the one who spotted Olivia. She was pale and incredibly still. While he knew it wouldn't be like Olivia to do something to herself, he couldn't help giving her a once over and checking to be sure she was breathing. Fin let out a silent breath of relief when he saw that she was. Without another word he turned away to let Morgan know they didn't need to search anymore. Morgan didn't need an explanation and simply followed Fin over to where Olivia was sitting. While there was only a meager amount of sun that day there was enough to cast a shadow of Morgan and Fin. Olivia felt the shadow settle over her and opened her eyes. She gazed up at them with dark eyes, and Morgan couldn't help feeling like they were bottomless pits that held more pain and sadness than he could imagine.

Before Morgan could even come up with something to say to Olivia, Fin took over.

"Jesus, Liv. You scared the livin' shit out of us. Why the hell weren't you answerin' your phone? Or at least the texts?"

"I'm sorry."

It didn't sound fully sincere though, more distracted. She didn't even meet Fin's eyes when she said it. Fin saw how lackluster her response was, and it worried him. He knelt down next to Olivia and spoke softly.

"Liv, what's wrong? What happened?"

"Did you tell him?"

"Tell who, Liv?"

"El."

That made Fin blink in surprise. He could only stare at Olivia for a moment. Had Stabler seriously shown up at Liv's last night? The guy had barely given her the time of day after his retirement, and now this?

"If I thought tellin' him would have done you any good, I would have. But it wouldn't have, so I didn't."

Olivia fought back tears and managed to hold them, though her voice did crack slightly when she spoke.

"How the hell did he know?"

And how had he expected her to respond?

"He was a cop, Liv. Cops have sources, and we look out for each other. You know that."

When Olivia didn't respond, Fin sighed heavily. He couldn't help the anger boiling up in him. Stabler had hurt her badly when he'd pushed her away. Now he wanted to help, but he was only confusing Olivia and upsetting her more.

Morgan brushed past Fin and reached out a hand to Olivia. There was no way he was going to let her keep wallowing.

"Come on. Lean on me a little bit. I've certainly leaned on you enough."

Olivia wasn't good with leaning on other people. She handled whatever came at her on her own and refused to let anybody try to help her. Seeing that she wasn't making any move to take his hand so he could help her up, Morgan tried something else.

"It's not a sign of weakness, Olivia. It's about trust. Believe me. I know. Got it drilled into my head by Hotch when I tried to handle everything on my own."

With a sigh Olivia took Morgan's hand, and he pulled her to her feet. Fin stood up as well and watched Olivia closely.

"You okay?"

For the first time in a while Fin was greeted by a real smile from Olivia. It was tiny, but there none the less.

"Yeah. I just needed some time to think. I'll be fine."

"Come on. You've got to pick somewhere for lunch. It's time to keep your mind off things," Morgan told her as he patted her shoulder lightly.

Olivia needed to get as much control back in her life as she could, and Morgan was perfectly willing to give her that. For Morgan, the fact that he could help Olivia was enough. He needed to rebuild his confidence in that area after his nightmare had shown him only defeat.

"I'm sure I can come up with something," Olivia assured as she led the way down again.

Initially she'd had very little appetite, but it had been slowly coming back. That was mostly thanks to Morgan almost forcibly dragging her to get food. She'd even found that his method of getting her mind off her dark thoughts worked rather well. In the end they'd become two for one deals. She got some food into her body and had conversation to direct her mind to.

"We can bring you something back if you'd like, Fin," Olivia offered.

"Sounds like a deal to me. Sure whatever you bring back will be better'n what I brought."

"We'll see what everyone else wants too. At least I can be helpful somehow."

"You do enough as it is, Liv, but I'm sure everyone would appreciate it."

0~0~0~0

As Emily glanced around the bullpen she couldn't stop one thought from pervading her mind.

_God, Garcia was right. It really is too quiet in here._

Usually the members of the BAU were incredibly busy. Even if they weren't out on a case, everyone had profiles to work on for departments across the country. There would be a general hum to the room as they worked, conferred with each other, and even did a little teasing to try to lighten the mood. Today though Emily saw very little of that. Reid was one of a very limited number of people working in the bullpen. He was hunched over his desk, keeping his head down. Emily couldn't pick out any expression on his face, but she doubted he was happy. Hotch's office door remained closed, though she was glad to see that at least the blinds remained open. Rossi's door was open, as it usually was, which was something at least. Emily bit at her lip, chewing it for a while as she decided what to do. She'd come in to the BAU to see Hotch, but not to tell him she was cleared for duty. She'd had a rough morning. On her way in to a therapy appointment she'd run into two men carrying a bouquet of flowers. As her luck would have it, they were irises. While the scent of them would have triggered memories in Emily, she could have handled that without incident. The problem came when she heard the men talking about why they'd gotten the flowers.

_"You'll still end up paying for it."_

In reality they were just discussing a marital argument, but Emily almost heard the words in Doyle's voice. The context wasn't the same as with Doyle, but it didn't matter. Combined, the conversation and flowers were enough to make Emily uneasy going into an important appointment. That shift was visible and prevented her from getting work clearance despite her best efforts to hold her mask in place. With her return to work delayed again, Emily had been thrown off for the rest of the day and left her with nothing but her thoughts. The severity of it was what had brought her to Hotch.

She slowly made her way up to Hotch's office without stopping to speak to anyone and knocked on his door. Hotch came to answer it personally instead of calling for her to come in. When he spotted her one eyebrow lifted slightly, but that was the only indicator of his surprise. He held the door open and nodded her in, closing it behind her.

"Hotch, it's-"

"Not a good day," he finished for her.

Emily shook her head and dropped down in one of the seats across from Hotch's desk. He followed her lead and sat down as well, though he stayed on the same side as her instead of across the desk. This wasn't a formal meeting, and Hotch didn't want to make it one. As he sat waiting for her to begin, he started looking her over. Whatever had upset Emily must have been a recent thing. There were no dark circles under her eyes to indicate she hadn't slept in a while. What was more, a few of her fingers were raw from her picking at them. Since it wasn't all of them, he again concluded her stressor had been recent.

"I thought we weren't supposed to profile each other."

"You came to me, Emily."

She sighed and shoved her hair back behind one ear.

"I know. I was denied again. At least for another three days."

Hotch nodded. He'd already assumed that was part of the reason Emily was here, but that wasn't all of it.

"Tell me what happened," he requested gently.

It took Emily a moment, but after taking a deep breath to steady herself she began, though she kept her eyes downcast as she spoke.

"It started this morning…"


	7. Timeline

Chapter Seven - Timeline

Rossi's Journal: Entry Three, written specifically to his shrink

_Did you know that I have written over 1,000 pages in published works? That doesn't even include the number of pages I've written for other purposes. I do believe I have done quite enough writing._

JJ's Journal: Entry Twelve

_After all of the cases I have seen and all of the victims and families I have worked with, I've never stuck around to see their recovery. We never do. I know it takes a long time for them to recover, to heal, to be able to move forward again. While I knew that, I never knew the true length. It's been 19 days, and I'm only now considering the possibility of returning to work soon. By soon I mean by next week. At the earliest. Just considering it makes me feel like the ground has tilted wildly under my feet. It's been so long, and I'm still stumbling. The reality is that most of us are. Hotch is different. He's Hotch. I'm not sure he would ever truly acknowledge his feelings or show anything that might be considered weakness when we need him to be strong. So that's what he is. But he's not invincible, not invulnerable. Personally I think that's the main reason why Rossi returned so soon. Someone needs to keep an eye on Hotch. As for the rest of us, we will continue to try to find our ways forward again. For Hotch. For the team. No matter how hard it is or what it takes. It's amazing that I can say that now. I guess I really have come a long way since we were rescued. Too bad I'm still not sure if I will ever make it to the end._

0~0~0~0

George Huang stuck his head into Cragen's office and called out to the captain.

"Don. You wanted to see me?"

"Close the door behind you please."

Huang did as he was asked and moved to stand by Cragen's desk.

"Is this about Olivia?" At Cragen's nod of confirmation, Huang continued, "Has something else happened?"

He'd heard about Olivia's meltdown in the squad room shortly after her rescue. That night he and Cragen had a long discussion about what they should do for Olivia. They'd both agreed that even if she was at work, she wouldn't be allowed into the field. In the end, Olivia had taken time off so they hadn't worried about keeping her from field work, which would have been difficult to say the least.

"She came in yesterday."

That caught Huang's attention and both his eyebrows lifted in surprise. The last thing he'd expected was Olivia to return without warning. Before he could ask anything, Cragen cleared away some of the confusion.

"Not to work. She was using the precinct as…" he hesitated a moment as he tried to find the right word to describe it. "…a hiding place or somewhere to get her head on straight."

"She feels safe here. The fact that she's using that is a good thing."

"Sitting in a police station by herself can't possibly help her."

"It can. Not as much as counseling will, but it can provide her with an anchor to hold onto when she needs it."

Cragen nodded. Most of what Huang was saying made sense. After what she'd been through, having somewhere safe and solid to return to was essential. If that place was the squad room for Olivia, then Cragen was happy to allow her to use it when she needed too. As for the talk of counseling, they'd been over that before. Both of them knew Olivia was going to need help to move forward, but neither knew if she was getting that help.

"I'm going to start getting some heat for her still being on leave pretty soon. I need her to get her head together, but…"

Cragen shook his head in mild frustration. Olivia wasn't suffering from a physical injury. There were no doctor restrictions placed on her, and that made it all the more difficult. He was willing to give his people as much time and leniency as they needed, but his superiors would only allow so much. It ended up putting him in a rough spot.

"Unfortunately there's only so much time you can give her before it starts standing out. You might need to consider the best way to determine if she's getting counseling, and if not, how to get her to go."

As Huang spoke, Cragen rubbed his head in frustration. That was the problem. Olivia wouldn't make the discussion easy, and he could end up doing far more damage than good.

"How am I supposed to do that? I don't want to force her. If I do, we both know full well that she'll fight it."

"You can't force Olivia to do anything, and it won't help her either. After what she experienced, she needs that control back. Just talk to her. Give her the facts and let her make her own decision."

"Hopefully it works. I don't want to lose her."

"You shouldn't. Olivia is strong enough to overcome this, and she has a lot of support to get her there. She just needs to accept that it's okay to take that assistance. Talk to her."

"I will. Thank you."

"You're welcome," Huang replied and headed for the door. He'd only opened it about an inch when he turned to look over his shoulder at Cragen. "And Don? My guess is that Olivia's already seeing someone."

0~0~0~0

Rossi did not like what he had seen. Strauss rarely came down to the BAU bullpen, and when she did it was never for anything good. The fact that she had made her way into Hotch's office and had closed the door didn't bode well. Rossi left his office and stopped in the hallway between his and Hotch's doors. He noticed Reid watching Hotch's window with a worried expression on his face. His eyes shifted to Rossi for a brief moment. The two made eye contact, and Rossi nodded reassuringly to Reid. He'd handle this. While Reid returned to his work, Rossi leaned calmly against the railing for Strauss to emerge. She would notice that he was standing there waiting like a guard dog, but Rossi didn't really mind. If she wasn't pleased about it, Rossi didn't really care either.

He had to wait a good twenty minutes before Hotch's door opened and Strauss stepped out into the hallway. She lifted one eyebrow at Rossi, her eyes locking with his in displeasure. Rossi simply smiled and let her ire roll off of him.

"Erin."

"Agent Rossi," he greeted coolly before turning away and heading down the steps.

Rossi watched her go and couldn't help noticing that Reid was carefully keeping his head down. With a grin, Rossi headed into Hotch's office to figure out what had drawn Strauss' attention. His quiet entrance gave him a moment to catch Hotch before the unit chief could compose himself. Hotch was grimacing and rubbing at his forehead and eyes with what Rossi could see was quite a lot of pressure. It was Hotch's display of stress, which was not what he needed more of right now. Rossi remained still and silent as Hotch slowly pulled himself together. His eyes closed, and he took a few slow and regulated breaths. After clenching and forcibly releasing his fists a few times, Hotch's muscles started to visibly relax. Rossi took that as an indication to make his presence known.

"Strauss really didn't pull any punches, huh?"

Anyone else would have jumped in response to Rossi's voice, but Hotch only twitched slightly.

"You watched?"

Rossi shrugged like it wasn't a big deal.

"I didn't eavesdrop on your conversation. I simply used my presence to make it clear to Strauss that I didn't approve of her dropping the hammer on you."

"Mn."

"So what did she want?"

"She wanted an update. Let's just say that she isn't exactly pleased we're the only two back."

Rossi had figured as much. There really wasn't anything else she could have come in for. They hadn't worked a case in a while, and they weren't on one now.

"I'm sure she didn't take the news that they need more time well."

"No. I was able to give her a date for Prentiss' return. Unfortunately she was less than pleased with Morgan's New York vacation and JJ's time with family. She made it very clear that everyone better be back to work by the beginning of next week or they could be facing anywhere from a review to a pay decrease or the loss of their jobs."

A look of disgust swept across Rossi's face, and he shook his head. He'd seen Erin be unreasonable before, but this almost reached the level of ridiculous that trying to blame Hotch for everything that had happened the day Haley had died had reached.

"I'll talk to her, Hotch. You just try to get a timeline on those two. Let them know what's going on."

"See what you can do."

Rossi gave Hotch a curt nod and left the room to go talk to Strauss. If anyone could convince her to give Morgan and JJ a little bit more time to regroup, he could. A quick trip down the hall led him to their section chief's office. He knocked on her door in the process of walking into the room.

"We need to talk, Erin."

"I figured you'd be in here," Strauss replied as she continued to focus on the paperwork she was working on instead of Rossi. "You realize that you have no authority to question my decisions."

"I wouldn't use the word questioning, more discussing."

Strauss placed one more file onto a pile before looking up with an expression of annoyance. To her it was the same thing.

"You know how hard it is to return here, Erin. You have to come back when you're ready, not before. Don't push them before they're truly prepared to return."

"Agent Morgan and Agent Jareau have had two weeks to do that."

"And it took you two months."

Strauss' eyes narrowed dangerously at Rossi. He had no right to go there.

"The team can't be grounded much longer, David. They're needed in the field."

"Once Prentiss returns we won't be. The four of us can handle field cases. It's not uncommon to split the team."

Strauss sighed. "Dave…"

"A little more time, Erin. That's all I'm asking."

"Two weeks. That's as far as I'm willing to go."

"That's enough. Thank you, Erin."

"Don't make me regret it," she warned as Rossi made his way out.

Rossi lifted his hand in acknowledgement as he headed off to let Hotch know he'd succeeded in his mission.

- Three Days Later-

"Damn it's nice to see a smile on your face," Morgan teased after Olivia had opened the door for him.

Olivia rolled her eyes and snatched the cup from his hand.

"Because you brought coffee."

Instead of responding Morgan grinned and stepped into her apartment. Over the past few days he'd started to see some life come back into Olivia. He'd been able to touch her without her panicking, and there had even been some sparkle replacing the dullness in her eyes. She'd lost some of the ground she'd gained following the arrival of her visitor, but she'd made it up again.

"I'll keep that in mind then."

"Mmhmm."

Olivia sipped at her coffee as she moved toward her kitchen and leaned against the counter. She reveled in the taste of the coffee and couldn't help smiling again. Morgan grinned too and shook his head in amusement. So far it was a good start to the day. Hopefully it would stay that way. He was about to take a drink of his own coffee when his phone rang. Before he could get out more than a rushed hello, Garcia started in on the other end. Morgan actually had to pull the phone away from his ear a bit because of her exuberance, which allowed Olivia to hear. Her eyebrow rose a bit at the level of excitement, almost nearing franticness, which she heard.

_"Derek, Derek, Derek, Derek, Derek!"_

"Whoa, baby girl! Slow down a minute and breathe!"

Despite the mild reprimand Morgan couldn't help chuckling. That was just the way it was with Garcia. He glanced toward Olivia with a smile that still stretched fully across his face. On seeing it Olivia couldn't stop a small smile from tugging at the corners of her mouth as well. Morgan's grin widened a bit when he saw her smile, then he turned his attention back to his cell.

"Hey Miss Smile Maker. This anything confidential or can I put you on speaker? Olivia could use some more pep in her step, and you certainly have that covered."

"Morgan!" Olivia hissed after she'd managed to stop gaping at him.

_"Sure thing!"_

Morgan ignored Olivia's glare and switched his phone to speaker.

"All good, Garcia."

_"So you're the reason he stuck around, huh? You better be doing a good job of looking after my handsome prince."_

"I…" Olivia stumbled.

"She's doing a fine job, Momma. Don't worry about it. Now what's got you so hyped up?"

Olivia forgotten, Garcia's energy bubbled over again as she returned to the reason she'd called.

_"Em's back! It's her first day back in, but she's just like she usually is. Finally it's not so quiet, and it was so bad! I mean really bad, but she's back now and it's so much better!"_

Morgan was chuckling softly from a mixture of Garcia's excited babbling and Olivia's expression. She was staring at the phone wide eyed and completely stunned. Her eyes flickered to Morgan's and she stared at him with her mouth slightly agape.

"That's great, baby girl. I'm glad. Prentiss seems really good, huh?"

It certainly was nice to hear. While he didn't regret his choice to stay in New York with Olivia, he did miss knowing what was going on with the rest of the team. Phone updates were great, but he much preferred being there so he could do his own profiling and make his own assessments. If Emily had returned to work she had to be back on track. Hopefully she wasn't the only one.

"Hotch and Rossi still doing alright?"

_"Yup, and the boy genius is looking better every day. Now that Emily's back he's really starting to act like himself again, which is good because a gloomy Reid is not a good Reid. Not at all."_

"Hear anything from JJ?"

_"Oh my girl. No, not really. She's still really quiet even when I do get a chance to talk to her."_

That didn't sound good. He'd have to call Hotch tonight. Maybe even Rossi too. Not only would he be able to get a better update on the team, he could give them an update on himself and run something by them as well.

"Thanks, Garcia. Tell Prentiss I'm proud of her, and let her know that when I get back I'll be sure we do coffee together. If you hear from JJ, tell her I'm thinking about her."

_"Will do, sweetums. You look after yourself. Garcia, over and out!"_

When Morgan hung up Olivia again raised an eyebrow at him.

"You are such a flirt."

Morgan beamed at her and spread his arms as a way to show himself off and say, "yeah, so?"

Olivia rolled her eyes in mild disgust.

"How any of your coworkers handle all of that sweet talk I will never know."

"Aw, come on now. I'm not that bad."

Olivia shoved his chest a little bit as she walked away. She'd dealt with a lot of perverts before, and Morgan didn't qualify. He may be a playboy, but it was in a friendly way. Many times the sweet talk couldn't be considered as anything other than playful and maybe a little bit teasing. She'd yet to see him make any kind of advance when it wasn't wanted, and she seriously doubted he ever would. That just wasn't Morgan.

"No, you're worse," she teased.

"Oh, ouch. That hurts!"

"Serves you right," Olivia smirked.

0~0~0~0

Will worked at keeping his attention split between Henry, who was happily kicking a soccer ball in their front yard, and JJ, who was just as unhappily discussing something on the phone. He'd figured out a few minutes ago that the person on the other end of the line had to be Hotch. Ever since he'd realized that, he'd been unobtrusively listening in to the conversation.

"I understand. Thank you, Hotch. I'll keep it in mind."

JJ hung up the phone and sighed softly. Will didn't need to be a profiler to pick up on the worry creasing JJ's face. Whatever it was she had learned from the conversation, it had bothered her. Will was honestly surprised she hadn't called him out for eavesdropping, but apparently she was too distracted or lost in her own thoughts to notice.

"Cher, sweetheart, what is it?"

"What?" JJ asked, a little bit startled. "Oh. It's nothing."

Will reached out and tucked some of JJ's hair behind her ear. He met her eyes firmly before he spoke so she couldn't avoid the question.

"Come on, JJ. What did Hotchner say that's bothering you so much?"

JJ leaned in to his touch, letting him gently cup her cheek.

"Strauss is making a fuss about my return to work. Hotch doesn't want me to worry too much, but he did need to let me know that she's looking at two more weeks. Technically less since they discussed it a few days ago. It's that long only thanks to Rossi's intervention too."

"That shouldn't be too hard."

When JJ didn't agree Will's forehead wrinkled in concern. He ran his thumb across her cheek a few times, but she still kept her eyes on Henry.

"Jen, do you want to go back?"

JJ pulled her eyes off Henry and focused on Will. Her blue eyes shimmered with worry and uncertainty which only made the blue stand out more.

"Yes, but I'm not ready yet, Will."

Will sighed heavily. Her fear was getting the best of her. At this rate, if they couldn't get it under control, JJ would never return to the BAU. In a way that didn't bother Will, but he knew how much JJ loved her job. Even if leaving the unit would be better for him and Henry, he couldn't do that to her.

"In this line of work we all see bad things. You know that. We all go through the nightmares that come with that too. Usually our minds make it all worse, and we've got to find a way through that. You've got to find a way through it. It ain't easy, that's for sure, but you find a way. That way's not by brooding over it all day, every day either."

JJ bowed her head sadly as Will spoke. Part of her knew she was being ridiculous, but another part of her couldn't let go. Fear for Henry weighed down on her, and it became so much worse when she was away from him.

"Nobody is after you, JJ, and nobody's after Henry."

She nodded but still kept her eyes downcast.

"I know you're scared to leave him, but we can get you there one step at a time. I'll help you. You've just got to be willing to take that first step. Are you willing to do that?"

"I…"

"I know it's scary, Cher, but I know you can do this."

A brief smile flickered across JJ's face. It was weak, but it was there.

"Okay?" Will asked.

"Okay," JJ returned.

* * *

Author's Note: I know this chapter is particularly short compared to the others, but I promise that the next chapter makes up for it! That, and I didn't realize this chapter was so much shorter than the others until just now... Oops. Unless it's not and fanfiction is just being dumb with the numbers?


	8. Into The Light

Chapter Eight – Into the Light

Emily's Journal: Entry Eight

_I figured it would be difficult to return to the BAU. I'd been on forced leave for over two weeks after all, and there was no doubt that everyone knew what happened by then. The looks I received upon my return the first time were bad enough. While I didn't expect them to be that bad this time, I still wasn't looking forward to them. As it turned out, returning to work after I'd finally been cleared was easy. Everyone, even people who weren't members of the team, welcomed me back and congratulated me on my recovery. Admittedly the getting congratulated part was a little bit awkward, but it didn't even come close to the awkwardness of suddenly returning from the dead. I'm not sure if Hotch, Rossi, and Reid were more excited to have me back or to share the workload. Either way, I didn't really mind. It was just nice to be back to something normal again. Not that anyone outside of the FBI would consider looking at horrific crime scene photos and trying to get into the heads of serial killers normal, but I guess that's just a matter of opinion._

Olivia's Journal: Entry Nine

_This morning was the first time I didn't wake up and immediately reach for my weapon. Whenever a nightmare or noise woke me, during the night or not, I'd automatically reach out in a panic until my fingers closed around the grip. Even if I managed to sleep through the night and wake normally the next morning, I always reached for my weapon. It was simply a habit. Something both comforting and necessary. Every night I would put it on top of my bedside table, and every morning I would pick it up again and take it with me almost where ever I went. If it wasn't within easy reach I was uneasy. For once that wasn't the case. In fact, I didn't even think about my gun for a while. I hadn't even noticed that it wasn't with me for a long time. I guess that's a really good thing._

0~0~0~0

Morgan had spent most of the previous night on the phone. To get his idea set up it had taken him numerous calls to a variety of people. Hotch and Rossi had received the majority of the calls for both his plan and general checking in. Emily had been involved in the planning as well, though that phone call had turned into a rather lengthy discussion about her return to work and consisted of quite a bit of teasing. Regardless, he'd gotten everything set up, minus the most difficult part. He had to convince Olivia. If he couldn't convince her then all of his planning would go to waste. Or at least some of it would. Hopefully she would agree though.

He knocked lightly on her door and stood fidgeting outside as he waited for her. Olivia didn't keep him waiting long. When she pulled the door open her look of surprise quickly shifted to a smile.

"Hey. I wasn't expecting you this morning."

"I know. It wasn't planned," Morgan returned before he motioned toward her apartment with his hand. "May I?"

Olivia pulled the door open further and stepped aside.

"Sure, though I can't stay long. I promised my captain I'd stop in this morning."

"That might be to my benefit then."

She lifted an eyebrow and looked at him questioningly, but he didn't give her any type of explanation as he walked into her apartment. Olivia closed the door and turned to face him, arms crossed across her chest.

"I'm going to be heading back pretty soon. Can't postpone it forever, and we're both doing okay now."

Olivia smiled and shook her head, allowing her arms to drop to her sides.

"That's what you were worried about? Morgan, I agree with you. I think it's about the right time for both of us to be considering returning to work."

"Trust me, if that was all I wouldn't be worried. I had something in mind that wasn't just going home."

"Now you're scaring me."

Morgan couldn't help laughing. In a way he could see why she'd said that, but she didn't have any reason to worry.

"I want you to come with me. Just for a visit, mind you," he added quickly before she could protest.

"Morgan, I don't know."

"A day or two. That's all. We're getting together to celebrate you could say. Nothing big or fancy, but it'll be fun."

"You have this all set up already, don't you?" Olivia asked as her eyes narrowed.

"Now, Olivia, would I do something like that?"

"Yes."

Again Morgan wound up laughing, only this time it was almost a hands on his knees, bent over type of laughter. Olivia remained irritated for a little while but eventually gave in and allowed herself to smile. There wasn't anything wrong with getting together one more time before they all started back to work full time. Besides, if she didn't go, she wouldn't see them for quite a while, if at all. Who knew when their paths would cross again.

"Alright, you win. It can't be that hard to find somewhere to stay for a night or two, right?"

"I got that covered actually. A few options. You can stay with me or Rossi. He's got a huge place so at least you'd get a real bed. Or if you'd rather stay with a woman and don't mind crashing on a couch, Emily agreed to put you up. She's more than willing. Sounded rather excited about it really."

"You really do have this whole thing planned."

"Hey, I'd even offer for you to stay with Garcia if I didn't think that would be too much."

"No, really, that's fine," Olivia insisted as she held up her hands in a warding off gesture. "I'll stay with Emily."

Morgan's face lit up in a beaming smile.

"Great, then I'll see what flights I can get. We'll head out sometime tonight or tomorrow."

After Olivia had escorted Morgan out and finished up a few things around her apartment she headed down to the 16th precinct to talk to her captain. She hadn't really spoken with any of them recently aside from short conversations like the one she'd had with Cragen when he'd requested she come in. While she knew she could handle it, she wasn't sure how the others would react while she was there. Olivia didn't need or want them to be overprotective.

"Hey, Liv," Amaro greeted when he saw her walk in.

"Hey."

"You seeing Cragen?"

"Yeah. Shouldn't be here long."

At least she hoped that would be the case. It was possible that Cragen would hold her for a long time. Either way it was best to get it over with, so she started to thread her way through the squad room. For so early in the morning, though she supposed it really wasn't early by SVU standards, the squad room was busy. Instead of being able to take a direct line to Cragen's office, she had to weave around people to get there.

While Amaro had only watched Olivia briefly after she'd walked away, Fin didn't return to his work at all. His eyes were still locked on her and the people around her. Personal space here may not be that easy to keep, especially with the squad room bustling the way it was. Things could happen. And they did. Just as she had almost made it through the confined area in the maze of desks and people, a uni hurried though. Everyone was used to shifting slightly to pass close together. The guy wouldn't consider waiting until Olivia was past him. Since he didn't know what had happened to her, he had no reason to. He slipped by, his shoulder bumping Olivia's as he passed. Before the "sorry" was even fully uttered Fin was halfway out of his seat, eyes glued to Olivia. She'd faltered for a step, and that was enough for Fin. He was about to go to her when Olivia seemed to stop and take a few slow breaths to shake it off and keep walking. Surprised, but pleased, Fin sat back down. She was doing better than he'd thought.

Olivia knocked gently on her captain's door and slipped in without waiting to be invited. Cragen had glanced up from his paperwork and smiled at her.

"Olivia," he said with a nod. "Thank you for coming."

"Sure, Captain. I needed to talk to you anyway."

Cragen lifted his eyebrow questioningly, but when Olivia didn't say anything he took the lead.

"How are you doing?"

"Better. I'm doing alright."

Olivia seemed to be genuine, but Cragen had to be sure. He knew full well how easily Olivia could hide her emotions, especially when it only needed to be for a short period of time.

"Liv, what you went through was serious. There's no way it hasn't left scars on you. It would on anyone."

"Captain," Olivia cut him off. "It has, but they're healing."

"Olivia…"

She knew what he wanted to know though and once again cut him off.

"Off the record, I'm seeing someone. I have been since it happened."

Some of the tension in Cragen's face faded, and he nodded at her.

"That won't leave this office."

"Thank you."

"What is it you needed to tell me?"

"I'm going to be out of town for a few days. When I get back, I think I'll be ready to return to work."

Cragen eyed her for a moment before responding.

"You know you need a psych eval first."

"I know," she answered confidently.

"I'll set it up for Monday then."

He was pleased to hear that Olivia felt like she was ready to return. Not only that, but he could hear confidence and assurance in her voice that told him she really was ready. She was back to herself, and that was good to see.

0~0~0~0

"Sure you have everything?" Morgan asked as he and Olivia got out of the cab at the airport.

Olivia rolled her eyes at him and started inside.

"I think I can handle myself, Morgan."

After quickly paying the driver Morgan jogged after Olivia to catch up.

"I still can't believe you managed to get us a flight out day of," Olivia told him once he'd reached her side.

"JFK's a big airport."

Olivia snorted and shot a look over her shoulder at him.

"It's still not that easy."

"Sure it is. You just don't have the magic touch."

"You mean I just don't have the magic friend," Olivia teased back.

It was only thanks to Garcia that Morgan was able to get the tickets so fast. The minute she'd heard he was coming back she'd been on it. In fact, she'd had a pair of tickets for that day before Morgan had even hung up.

"I just have good resources," he laughed as he handed Olivia her ticket and they started down the hallway to their concourse.

"Uh huh."

By the time they'd made it through security the usual traffic in the hallways had picked up. There were simply a lot of people all jostling through to get to their flights on time. Olivia's heart rate had started to pick up a bit when she realized there was no way to keep an eye on all of them. While she was still moving forward, Morgan had picked up on the shortening of her steps.

"I have your back."

Olivia glanced back at him for a brief moment and nodded. Those simple words had given her her confidence back, and she moved forward surely, head held high.

0~0~0~0

"I brought snacks!" Garcia exclaimed as she bustled into the BAU bullpen carrying a large bowl of pretzels and m&ms.

"We really are having a party, aren't we?" Rossi asked as he looked at the spread on Reid's and Emily's desks.

"Ooo! Popcorn!" Garcia cried out when she set her bowl down.

She snagged a piece from the bowl and popped it into her mouth.

"Actually, I believe it's cheese corn," Reid corrected.

Garcia just grabbed a piece and threw it at Reid's head in response.

"Hey!"

"Serves you right," Garcia retorted before looking up at Hotch. "When are they getting here?"

"Prentiss went to pick them up. She should be back soon."

Face lighting up, Garcia squealed in happiness.

"Garcia," Hotch warned.

"Yes, sir?"

"Go easy please. We don't know how either one of them is doing. They may not appreciate all of your enthusiasm."

"I will try to tone it down, sir."

Hotch nodded in approval. While Morgan had said they were both doing alright, Hotch wasn't sure how far "alright" actually went. If Garcia bombarded Olivia and Morgan right when they arrived it could be too much for one or both of them. That wasn't what the point of this was.

"They're here!" Garcia cried out.

Hotch turned toward the door just in time to see Morgan guide Olivia in with Emily following behind them. Both of the new arrivals appeared to be doing as well as Morgan had said they were. Morgan was beaming at Garcia and even opened his arms to gather her into a hug. Olivia side stepped and kept a close eye on Garcia. Hotch didn't blame her though. Many people had the same reaction the first time they met her. Emily stepped around Morgan and Garcia, and Hotch saw her lean over to tell Olivia something, receiving a small smile in return. There was far more light in her eyes now than when he'd last seen her. It wasn't as fiery as it had been early in their captivity, but the determination and strength were there. As Emily and Olivia moved past Morgan and Garcia, Rossi approached.

"Good to see you."

Olivia smiled warmly at Rossi and nodded her head slightly.

"I'm glad Morgan invited me. It's nice to see all of you again too."

Once Emily moved away, Rossi truly looked at Olivia, trying to assess her state of mind. She noticed and tipped her head to the side in question.

"How are you doing? Really?"

For once Olivia took a moment to think about it instead of just giving her usual response of "I'm fine."

"I'm doing alright. Getting there."

"You look a lot better."

"Thank you. I've come a long way. There's a little way to go, but there always is after something like this."

Rossi grinned. She really was doing better, and he had no doubt she'd pass her evaluation with flying colors.

"Sweet, you even brought food!"

Both Rossi and Olivia turned at the sound of Morgan's voice and couldn't help laughing. He was standing over their makeshift food table and rubbing his hands together.

"What kind of party would this be without it, handsome?" Garcia asked.

Hotch watched Morgan toss his arm around Garcia and Reid, grinning and laughing with them. Even Emily joined in. It had been a long time since he'd seen the team together and teasing each other. More than having them back at work, the teasing made Hotch feel like things were back to normal again. He moved to the desks where everything was laid out and grabbed two bottles of water. After nodding to the others he joined Rossi and Olivia.

"May I?" he asked, nodding toward Olivia though the question was directed at Rossi.

"Be my guest. I should grab some food before all the kids eat it all."

Once Rossi moved away Hotch held a bottle of water out to Olivia. She took it with a small nod of thanks, and both turned to silently watch the others interact. It was a comfortable silence, and they stayed that way for a while. When Hotch finally spoke, his eyes remained on his team.

"Thank you."

Olivia's head snapped up, and she turned surprised eyes on Hotch.

"For what?"

This time Hotch did turn toward Olivia. His eyes locked with hers so she could see the sincerity there.

"For bringing Morgan back like this. Usually he returns from the few cases where he was defeated overly serious and contemplative, which inhibits his ability to do his job."

Olivia watched as his eyes flicked from her to Morgan and hovered there before returning to meet her eyes again.

"That's not the case this time."

"I'm not sure I was the cause of that. He looked after me more than the other way around."

"You weren't the only one who recovered during his time in New York, Detective."

Olivia accepted the compliment without another word of argument. Arguing wouldn't get her anywhere. Both of them turned their eyes back to the team just in time to see Morgan toss a piece of popcorn at Reid. The only problem was that Rossi was standing in the way, so Morgan was aiming over his shoulder. Of course it couldn't reach Reid without being intercepted. The piece hit Rossi and weakly bounced off toward Reid for what was definitely not the first time.

"Morgan, if you throw one more piece at Reid and come anywhere close to using me as your personal backboard I will hurt you. Severely."

After taking a step back, Morgan held his hands up in a peace gesture. As he did his eyes caught movement at the door. He turned his attention there, and his face lit up.

"JJ."

The minute he said her name the rest of the team spun around to face the door, their faces a mix of surprise and excitement. None of them had seen JJ face to face after she'd returned home except for Hotch. Even he hadn't seen her since his short visit following Reid's concerns. JJ appeared just as surprised to see all of them gathered as they were to see her. She blinked a moment, taking them in in silence.

"Hey, guys," she said softly.

Reid didn't waste another moment. He moved to her side and wrapped his arms around her. JJ slid her arms around him and returned the hug gently. She knew he'd been worried about her, so the hug wasn't surprising in the least.

"It's good to see you too, Spence."

Reid finally pulled away from her and couldn't stop beaming. After returning his smile with a soft one of her own, JJ looked to the rest of the team. They had to have questions.

"What brought you out here?" Emily asked as she slipped in to take her turn at giving JJ a quick hug.

Typically none of them spent time at the BAU this late unless they were buried in a case. Or, at least, they didn't show up this late.

"There are some case files I wanted to look at before Monday," JJ explained.

"Case files?" Morgan asked.

Hotch and Rossi put the pieces together first. It was Hotch who took the role of making sure the steps that should have been taken had been.

"Are you cleared to?"

The question clicked in the others' minds, allowing them to draw the same conclusion Rossi and Hotch had.

"Yes, sir. As of this afternoon."

Rossi beamed at her and nodded his approval.

"That'a girl."

Garcia wasn't anywhere near as controlled as Rossi. She nearly tackled JJ, squeezing her friend to the point that JJ could barely breathe.

"My kick-ass, momma princess is finally coming back!"

JJ patted Garcia awkwardly on the back as she answered. "Yeah, Pen, but I need to breathe."

Garcia released JJ but kept her hands resting on the tops of JJ's arms. Her eyes locked with JJ's, and she analyzed her friend. From what she saw, JJ looked like she was doing alright, but Garcia wouldn't be satisfied until she was really, really sure that was true.

"You're really okay?"

JJ smiled reassuringly and reached up to rub Garcia's arm.

"I'm really okay. Will's been great. He's gotten me back on track with the whole "I can't watch Henry every second of every day" thing. And Henry…" A warm smile flickered across her face and her eyes lit up. She slipped her hand into her pocket and pulled out a little plastic dinosaur. After gazing at it and turning it slowly in her hand for a minute she looked up at Garcia.

"He gives me a different toy to keep in my pocket every day. Says that it will remind me that he loves me and he's okay."

JJ laughed a bit uneasily, though a tear slipped free that she quickly wiped away. Garcia couldn't resist reaching out to give JJ another hug even though she knew the tears were only because of how much JJ loved her son.

"It's good to have you back, JJ," Rossi told her once she'd been released from Garcia's grip.

Morgan slipped forward and draped his arm over Garcia's shoulder.

"And you know she's doing okay, baby girl. Profiler or not, she passed the eval, and you know what the goons in the upper levels are like."

Olivia couldn't help the small smile that trickled across her face when she heard that. It seemed like there were a few constants between departments regardless of which organization they were. Jumping through hoops and dealing with higher ups was a pain, but it was impossible to avoid. Besides Olivia, Hotch couldn't help smiling slightly. He quickly pulled it back under control before he responded in his usual dry style.

"And we know nobody would lie to their shrink."

An odd look of confusion followed by surprise and amusement flickered across Emily's face. She glanced over at Hotch, meeting his eyes. While his facial expression didn't change, Hotch's eyes danced. He really had made a joke, and he was enjoying it. Emily's lips twitched up into a smile, but she said nothing. The others could be confused. She was perfectly fine with that.

"Alright, enough work talk. We've got celebrating to do!" Morgan told them all.

"How about a toast then?" Rossi asked.

While the others all nodded agreement to Rossi's suggestion, Reid couldn't help interrupting even though he had gotten himself something to drink as well.

"Technically the definition of a toast doesn't involve champagne or alcohol, although it is customary to clink glasses. I don't think cans of soda or bottles of water can technically be called a toast in that sense."

JJ reached out and patted his shoulder, an amused smile on her face.

"Just go with it, Reid."

He was about to answer when Emily lifted her glass to begin. Reid immediately shut his mouth and decided to follow JJ's advice. There was no point in stopping the fun now.

"To recovery."

"To friends!" Garcia crowed as she hefted her glass into the air alongside Emily's.

"To being better," Hotch began, only to have Rossi finish for him.

"And stronger."

"To having people to count on," Morgan added as he too lifted his water.

"And loved ones to help you through the hard times," JJ said softly, a warm smile on her face as her eyes met those of her friends.

"To having hope," Reid contributed.

All eyes turned toward Olivia. She smiled softly and took in all of their faces. As she did, she found hardly any traces of the deep sadness they'd all suffered. Instead, there was light again. Finally she lifted her own bottle to join theirs, clinking it lightly.

"To moving forward. Always."

* * *

Author's Note: Okay, guys. All you have left after this is an epilogue, so I hope you enjoyed how this story technically "ended."


	9. Epilogue

Epilogue

Morgan's Journal: Final Entry

_Sometimes, in order to be strong, you've gotta be weak. At least that's what it feels like sometimes. When you get hit so damn hard that you can barely stand, there's no way to make it through on your own. Trying just breaks you down more and leaves you with more scars that will never heal. You gotta lean on somebody, no matter how hard that is. They can help you get through it without shattering. Being willing to lean on someone else is tough, yet sometimes it's the only way to recover. _

_But it's more than that. You go to someone to get some help, but it's also so they can lean back on you. That stuff's not just one way. Part of the reason is because being willing to let someone else help you really shows them they're important to you. People don't show their weak sides to just anyone. Friends are there to pick you back up when you've been thrown into the dirt and stomped on a few times. Being willing to let them do that is proof that they really are your friend. I guess that's what Hotch was trying to get at with trust. I can't just let them lean on me. When I need to, I've got to lean back. It's what I did with Olivia. _

_While I can't say how things would have turned out without her, I know it wouldn't be as good as now. Sure, I probably would have passed my evaluation anyway, but the cobwebs of this would have been on me still. At times, I know those concerns about failing in a case would have come up again. And again. She gave me the perspective needed; perspective I will use whenever a perp gets the best of me. I'm not egotistical or stupid enough to think it won't happen again. As long as I do this job, it could. Thanks to her, I won't question my abilities to the point that I consider leaving next time. I just hope that what I was able to do for her equals out to what she gave me. She deserves it._

Emily's Journal: Final Entry

_I feel alive. That shouldn't be surprising considering that's what I am, but this is different. Ever since the incident with Doyle, even after I returned to the BAU, I was just living. Sure I worked cases, lived my life, interacted with people, but the energy and enjoyment wasn't there. Instead there was always this suffocating feeling weighing on me. I felt like I needed to hold myself slightly apart from the rest of them so they wouldn't be able to see the truth. In reality, I was still hurting. Doyle would forever be a part of me, and I wasn't sure how to deal with that, how to get back to my life and make it feel normal again. If that was even possible. I just continued to wade through this uncertainty, like I was waiting for the shoe to drop again. That's not the case anymore, and it's refreshing. _

_During cases we work as a team, an unbreakable unit. We share information and support each other. I hadn't thought the same was possible outside of casework, and I certainly never got close enough to find out. This time I did. More than any other case, more than any other moment, we worked together to make it through. I never let the others walk alone if they needed me, and I never had to take a step alone either. We're a team, working or not. Just because Doyle changed me doesn't mean the team saw me any differently. I was still Emily Prentiss. I was still one of them; I just had more experience. Seeing them go through the same difficulties and still stand by each other showed me that they would stand by me too, and they did. They've given me my strength back. The drive that fueled me before Doyle's return has filled me again. Maybe I actually have to thank this unsub. Without him, without those nightmares tearing all of us down, I don't know if I would have ever reached this point alone. So, in a way, I'm glad it happened. Because of everything that happened, I've found my place again. This is where I belong, and I feel good. I feel really good. _

Rossi's Journal: Final Entry

_The BAU has always been something special, even when it was first created. I didn't realize then how special it could become. When I returned from retirement, I caught a glimpse of how much I had underestimated the potential for greatness that this unit possessed. Over the course of the years after my reinstatement, my observations of the team not only corresponded with my initial beliefs about the BAU, they far surpassed them. This team truly amazes me. _

_There is a limit to the weight that a single person can carry on their shoulders. For some that limit is exponentially higher than another's, but it exists none the less. Together this team has overcome individual limits. The strain many of them have been under should have broken them without question. Instead, they withstood. But it wasn't alone. What should have incapacitated and destroyed was instead manageable as a unit. Together they could hold on and become stronger than they could ever be alone, even if you combined individual limits. I am proud to know that I am a part of that. Together this team can accomplish feats that are impossible to succeed at alone whether those feats are related to cases or more personal situations. Given what this team has shown me recently, I don't believe anything, be it person or event, can undermine this team's integrity, capability, or solidity. I have little doubt that they will continue to astound me._

JJ's Journal: Final Entry

_Initially I didn't think anything good could come out of our kidnapping. How could it when I was barely functioning, barely even breathing? I was wrong. It's been a long journey filled with tears, pain, and hurt, but I've made it through. In the process of it all, I've grown too. At first I thought I failed my son, but I know now that isn't true. I've done everything I could to protect him and provide him with the love I want him to have. I'm a mother first and an agent second, but my time as an agent makes me a better mother. Even this experience, as awful as it was and as much as I questioned myself afterward, has made me a better mom. My bond with Henry has strengthened during my time off, and we've become so much closer. My sweet little boy had to see that mommy could hurt too. Instead of scaring him, it gave Henry a way to show me how much he loved me. I wouldn't trade any of those moments for the world. What's more, that wasn't the only thing I gained._

_ I've always known Will was an amazingly caring man. After all, he left New Orleans to live with me in Quantico, VA and put up with me not being willing to get married for years. Plus, he understands some of the after effects of working the job I do since he is in law enforcement too. Even with all of that, he's been more understanding through this than I could have ever hoped for. I know, without a doubt, that I couldn't have done this without him. He's given me hope since the very beginning and never let go of my hand even when I stumbled. It was Will's devotion and the team's strength and worry that got me through. Forget putting any of what I experienced to good use, after facing so much pain and feeling the sting of vicious failure, being able to move forward and truly put all of it behind me didn't seem possible. Now I know. Failure, no matter how large or painful, can always be overpowered and outnumbered by success as long as you're willing to stand back up and keep trying. There is always hope._

Hotch's Journal: Final Entry

_Many things in life change who you are, be they people, experiences, or simply the passage of time. Change is unavoidable. The only real option you have is how you will let it affect you and whether the change will result in good or bad. Traumatic experiences are no exception. You will never be the same after. None of us have been since our rescue, yet I am incredibly proud of them. My team inspires me. They make me better, stronger, because of how much they have accomplished after facing what they did. _

_Prentiss has returned more confident and stronger than before. I see no more doubt in her eyes. Not only that, she's begun to open some of the locks she's kept around herself. She has learned to accept the help of another and has reached the point that she can share what she considers to be moments of weakness. _

_JJ saw a parent's worst nightmare and faced the reality that her nightmare held truth. Instead of running from it, JJ returned once again. She has grown since the day she was in tears over the anthrax scare and the implications on Henry. After what we experienced, she could have chosen to leave the BAU or the FBI completely and no one would have thought less of her, but she didn't. Instead she pushed through the suffering and has benefited from it._

_Out of all of us, Dave is the least changed, though that doesn't surprise me. Aside from a few specific moments, he is always the epitome of collected, but most importantly, he is capable of reading the truth in someone even when he isn't at his best. As infuriating as he can be when he reveals those truths, I need to hear them. He's a rock for me when my own strength starts to waver. _

_Even Reid, who didn't face this with us, has grown and changed from it. Typically Reid takes the role of the agent needing assistance. He has stepped up through all of this though and taken it upon himself to support all of us. Reid is already an exemplary agent, but the strides he's made after our kidnapping should alleviate any question of his abilities. He's not just our young genius; he's an important part of keeping this team as strong as it is._

_As for Morgan, the growth I see in him is incredible. Meeting Detective Benson was likely the best thing to happen to him. While his confidence hasn't increased, it has strengthened. From now on it will be harder to shake it. What's more, he's allowed himself to lean on another. Whether that will continue after is yet to be seen, but at least he has taken a step forward. _

_We have all taken those steps forward and become better than we were before, myself included. Haley's death drove me to become a better father. The abduction drove me to become a better leader for my team. Both require me to accept that there are times I will need help and times when I can't solve all of the problems. I will admit, I am still working on accepting this, but I have at least acknowledged it. That's the first step, and this journey is far from over._

Olivia's Journal: Final Entry

_There are very few victims who want to get up in front of a bunch of people and share their rape in court. It's not an experience one looks forward to since it is hardly pleasant. I've had to talk many victims into testifying. Over the years I've met a lot of women who regret not going to trial, but win or lose, I've never met one who regretted going. Perhaps it's the same with recovery. It's just as painful, if not as humiliating and degrading as well. Despite all of that, I do not regret making this journey. I can't say that I have recovered or that all of his is over because it's not. I'm not sure it ever truly will be. However, I'm no longer a victim. My life is in my hands again. I have control. It may not be completely over, but I'm through the worst of it. _

_Morgan and Fin saw me at my worst and they stood by me. Now I'm ready to carry my own weight again and be the one providing the support. Even so, should there come a time when the burden becomes too much, I know they will both be there to hold me up until I get my feet under me again. The rest of the unit probably would too. When it happens, I think I might let them. At least for a while. I don't need to prove myself to them, just to me._

_Unfortunately the taint of my heritage will always be with me, but now I can start destroying his words in my head and proving them false. I will become what I want to become no matter what may stand in my way. _

_My name is Olivia Benson. My mother was an alcoholic; my father was a rapist. They may be a part of me, but they aren't who I am, and I will continue to remind myself of that. I am a detective with the Manhattan Special Victims Unit. I'm a good partner, a good detective, a good supporter and voice for the victims, and I am a survivor._

* * *

__Author's Note: There you go, that's the end! I hope that you enjoyed it. As for anything coming soon, I can't promise you'll get anything for a while. And when I mean a while I mean a really long while. I may have 2-3 potential ideas to write, but I'm not sure if I'm actually going to. We will see.


End file.
